


The World Keeps Turning

by Natural_Log



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Fix-It, Getting Together, Happily Ever After, Ignores 15x20, M/M, Monster of the Week, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Resurrection, Sam is in charge of the hunter network, Self-Indulgent, hunting monsters, i wrote this for me but yall can read it if you want, lemme just slide my own fix-it onto the pile, no beta we die like men, the boys actually talk about things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28294470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natural_Log/pseuds/Natural_Log
Summary: Set near the end of 15x19Let's assume that there are new alternate universes. Timelines where someone zigged instead of zagged. Here's one where Dean tells Jack to wait, to clear a few things up and maybe do him one last favor.So what next? What happens when all divine energy is locked in its respective place? When angels and demons no longer roam the world? When Dean gets to take a breath? Happily ever after is for fairy tales, after all. This is more real.There's confessions. Friendships. Fights. Hunts. And if Dean is lucky? Maybe a retirement.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

“You’re him,” Sam says, and Dean clenches his jaw. 

It’s warm, the kind of late-summer warm that usually makes people feel nostalgic and check for the leaves to change color. Dean’s palms are, however, kind of clammy. Likely because he was nervous since the second Jack got out of Baby and walked into the middle of the street. Jack pulled his new God-powered mojo and brought the village people back, and Sam looks like he’s finding religion, and Dean can hear his teeth grinding with it all. 

“The others?” Dean asks, eyes still tight because he’s wary. Three million times bitten, twice shy and all that. He can count on one hand how many times things have gone  _ right  _ and he has four fingers left over. And he wasn’t even involved with the one.

Jack turns and watches a few people push a stroller down the sidewalk as he takes a couple steps towards Baby and the boys. “Everyone. Where they were. Or,” his mouth twists into a wry smile, “where they should be. It’s easier than winding the universe backwards.”

Dean sees Sam still, out of the corner of his eye, as that last bit lands. “But the others- from other worlds?” Dean looks at Sam as if to say  _ Get with me on this. _ “And the ones who had died?”

“Eileen,” Sam clarifies. Because he’s specific like that.

“It’s easier to have them back then to let their absence create a vacuum,” Jack replies. “Everything should run pretty smoothly now without interference.”

Sam leans back slightly, gives Jack an appraising look. “Just like that?”

Jack turns in a circle, seemingly taking it all in. It’s getting on in the afternoon, but the sky is clear. Birds chirp. It’s fucking picturesque and Dean still wants to put his fist through a wall. He adjusts his stance and tries for patience. Swallows hard. 

“They were in a pocket dimension,” Jack says when he faces them again. “I’m not sure why Chuck didn’t just kill them. He just… put them in stasis. And since he destroyed every other universe it wasn’t hard to find them. Not a lot of places to look.” 

He still has that damn serene smile, like he barely lifted a finger and brought several billion people back to  _ where _ and  _ when  _ they were supposed to be. Without breaking a sweat. Or actually, you know, lifting his finger. They just blinked and it had happened. 

“Jesus.”

Dean inhales sharply and scans Sam, who still looks pretty struck dumb by everything. “Will they remember what happened?”

Jack blinks at him. “Eileen will. I think…” he trails off like he got distracted by something. Dean shifts his weight again. 

“...Jack?” Sam finally asks, and Dean nearly rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, I think she will be better knowing. But Donna and the others won’t. Everyone else won’t.” Jack’s head tilts ever so slightly. “I figured you would be better with her knowing too.”

“Great,” Dean claps his hands together and gestures to Baby. “Let’s head back to the bunker, I’ll make some celebratory dinner and we can get to work.”

Sam and Jack look at Dean with the same blank expression of confusion. 

“Work on what, Dean?” Sam asks, and glances at Jack. “Didn’t Jack just… fix… it all?”

A car rolls by them and Dean uses it as a reason to look away and gather himself. “I don’t buy that. Not for a second.”

“I’m not… coming back with you.”

At that Dean whips his head back to stare. “What the hell does that mean?”

“I can’t…” Jack trails off again, and Dean wants so badly to clap his hands and get the kid back on target. Because he’s Sam, Sam clearly reads the thought and holds out a hand as well. “I’m going to do things differently. Than Chuck.” He holds up both hands. “Hands off.”

“Again,” Dean spreads his own hands wide. “What the  _ hell  _ does that mean?”

“Dean,” Sam grabs Dean’s arm, as if holding him back. 

“No,” Dean shakes his head.

Finally, Jack looks like his old self. Just for a moment, the sad-puppy look takes over his face. “I’ve fixed most everything,” he tells Dean. “Honestly, without angels or demons interfering I think most universes probably would have run just fine. This one won’t need any input from me to keep spinning.”

At that Dean jerks his arm out from under Sam’s hold and loses his grip a little. “Yeah? So what about  _ Cas _ ?”

It feels like he just coughed out barbed wire, the way his entire body wants to tremble and his throat closes up and he can almost taste blood. Jack has the decency to look down and Dean nearly tackles him but holds on.  _ Bargain. _ He reminds himself.  _ Bargain like you always do. Play nice until you get what you want. _

“Do we have to open a portal? Or were you just going to flap out of here on your new wings and leave him being tortured for eternity you-”

Ok, play nice might not be on the table, but Sam grabs Dean’s shoulder and jerks him back which cuts off the choice words he had. And he had choice words.

Because Jack had brought everyone back but when Cas didn’t show up within seconds Dean knew, he  _ knew _ Jack hadn’t done that. Hadn’t reached into the Empty and pulled Cas out. Which meant that  _ this wasn’t finished. _

“I tried, Dean.”

The words  _ that’s not good enough _ are on the tip of his tongue, but he can feel the wind coming out of his sails. Jack looks downright miserable, no longer reveling in life and the world like he had been moments ago. Like the mention of Cas took him down a peg or two.

_ Good _ . Dean thinks viciously. Then he tries to swallow and realizes maybe he was holding out hope that Jack was just waiting, maybe as a big finish. Maybe Dean was clinging to that little chance that Jack was waiting to get back to the bunker and he would concentrate and then Cas would show up. 

Maybe Dean was letting a little more ride on that hope than he should have.

“You tried?” And it’s Sam, voice soft and unsure, who asks. Dean’s grateful Sam is saying something because Dean’s mind is both swamped with words he wants to say as well as blank without any drive to say it.

Jack shakes his head and looks up at Sam. “The empty isn’t exactly my domain. It’s… other. I don’t know how Chuck pulled Lucifer out, but-”

“You did it before,” Dean cuts him off. “C’mon, you woke him up before. Lucifer killed… all you had to do was  _ say his name  _ and you woke him up.”

“That didn’t get him out though,” Sam let’s go of Dean’s arm and pushes his face into his hands. 

“That just woke him up,” Jack agrees. “Then he annoyed the Empty until it let him out, but it woke up the Empty too. I could try and reason with it, put it back to sleep, but I don’t think it will let go of Cas willingly.” He finally looks at Dean. “I’m sorry.”

Dean turns and leans on Baby’s trunk and takes a deep breath. He’s got about a half dozen things he wants to shout that will all make a big scene, but he gets derailed at the sound of Sam’s cell going off.

They all startle, and then watch as Sam pulls his phone out of his pocket, nearly forgotten but brought out of habit. He glances at them both before holding it to his ear. “Eileen?”

It’s another knife into Dean’s gut. Sam circles Baby for an attempt at privacy but Dean can still hear the relieved tone of his voice. He got Eileen back. Dean would be happy but he’s too busy trying to pull his thoughts into order to come up with a plan. 

“I need to go, Dean.”

He turns, striking quick, and grabs the front of Jack’s shirt. “Not till we have a plan. Don’t go.” Dean shakes his head, mouth a tight line. “Not yet.”

Jack doesn’t even flinch though, just considers Dean. “Heaven is unraveling.” He says it like he’s commenting on the weather. “I’m keeping it going right now, but I need to go and close the gates, rework things. Put it to rights.”

“Screw heaven.”

“Dean,” Jack gives him a flat look. “That’s where souls go. I’m not talking about the handful of remaining angels. I’m talking about  _ Heaven  _ as a construct.”

_ Mom. _ Dean thinks. 

“Wait, what?” Sam comes back around Baby and stops, phone drifting from his ear. “You… what?”

“I’m going to go to heaven, round up all the wayward angels, and close the gates.” Jack turns and gives a smile and nod to a family walking by. “And I’ll probably have to help reorganize things, since Chuck relied on angels to run the place and I have no interest in creating life. It shouldn’t need someone to operate it.”

Sam and Dean both stand there for a second, trying to grapple with that, before Sam brings the phone back to his ear. “Eileen, I’m gonna have to call you back.”

“Before you do that,” Dean holds up a finger to Jack and talks slow. “I need a plan to get Cas back.  _ Before _ you go and close the gates, ok?”

“Jesus,” Sam rubs a hand down his face. “Jesus. You’re gonna  _ automate _ heaven? How would that even work? Why wouldn’t Chuck have-”

“Hey!” Dean snaps his fingers in front of Sam. “Focus! Cas first! Then we come up with the heavenly industrial revolution!”

Jack shakes his head. “I already told you, Dean: I can’t get Cas back.”

Dean frowns, hard, at Jack. “No. What you  _ said _ was that you didn’t know how Chuck got Lucifer back. But two angels have gotten up and walked out of the Empty- Lucifer did it  _ twice. _ ” Dean holds up two fingers to emphasize. “ _ Twice _ , Jack. That means there’s a way.”

“Oh,” Sam spins his phone in his fingers. When Dean turns to look at him, he looks like he’s about to solve a quantum physics problem or something. “Oh hold on. Did  _ Chuck  _ bring Cas back?”

That’s a thought Dean doesn’t want. “No. Jack did. He said so.”

Sam waves a hand.  _ “I  _ remember Chuck being omniscient and literally causing everything to happen how it did. Remember the No Free Will thing? So what if Chuck brought Cas back as part of his plan?”

That’s really a thought Dean doesn’t want. He remembers, suddenly and vividly, Cas saying, “You asked what about all this is real.” He remembers the look on Cas’ face when he said, “ _ We are.” _

“I woke Cas up,” Jack says, sudden and sure, and Dean wants to sag with relief without knowing why. “Chuck’s downfall had a lot to do with underestimating Castiel and the effect he had.”

And for some reason that’s what does it. Dean turns and pushes his fist into his mouth and has to bite on his tongue hard to keep down the sob that wants to escape. His eyes burn and his chest is tight and  _ Chuck underestimated the effect Cas had, Cas had a crack in his chassis when he came off the line, of all the universes this was the only one where Cas kept his free will, Cas’ face when he said I changed him, when he said- _

Dean braces a hand on Baby’s bumper and heaves, stomach suddenly rejecting what little it was holding. It isn’t his best moment, and Sam lets out a startled “Dean?!”

A cool hand slides over the back of his neck and he feels like quicksilver darts through his veins, just for a split second. He jerks instinctively away, away from Jack’s touch, spinning and holding up a hand. “Don’t…”

The nausea and impending panic have dissolved though, his pulse lowered forcefully. Jack is still holding a hand out and staring at Dean, a little wide eyed. Later, Dean might be pleased he shocked the new God. “Oh,” Jack says, and Dean stifles the urge to tell him to stop, to shut up, that he had no right to touch Dean because he knows, knows by the look on Jack’s face that he did more than just make Dean feel better. He  _ saw _ . 

“Don’t…” he says weakly instead. It’s all he can manage. Sam looks confused, glancing between them because he’s not stupid and he knows he missed something. 

“I am sorry, Dean.” Jack lets out a breath and blinks. “I wondered why Cas was so sure… why he made that deal, how he could know that it wouldn’t-”

“ _ Don’t! _ ” Dean snaps, but it’s a little watery and damn, when did it start raining specifically on his face?

Jack’s mouth snaps shut though. “I saw. I’m sorry. Your connection was…”

He trails off just as Sam lights up. “Oh!” Sam clenches both hands and blinks rapidly. “A connection!”

He and Jack turn to each other and Dean tries to breathe, tries to get air into his lungs while Sam puts together whatever he’s cooking. 

“Chuck  _ made _ Lucifer, what if that’s how he could bring him back out?”

Dean is lost but Jack is nodding. “It makes sense.”

“And, and,” Sam snaps his fingers and points at Dean, “Chuck made  _ you  _ and he juiced up Cas and sent him into hell to get you back.”

At that, Dean shakes his head. “Ok, but what does that have to do with the Empty? Angels can go into hell whenever they want. He could have gone in there and nabbed any old soul.”

“Well,” Jack tilts his head. “I’m not sure about that. Crossing those boundaries, especially with a human soul, isn’t easy. But that’s not the point.”

“It’s not,” Sam pushes his hair out of his face, tucks it behind his ears in a nervous movement but he’s smiling. “Ok, so Chuck made Lucifer, right? Knows every atom of him and whatever he might call a soul.”

Jack nods. “Getting in and out of the Empty isn’t easy- even if you get in you have to have an anchor to get back out. Or something that you can ride out.”

“Right, so Chuck reaches down and finds Lucifer, follows the connection, and because the Empty was asleep he probably had no problem getting back out.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes sense,” complains Dean, but the other two ignore him and he rolls his eyes.

“Dean’s connection is practically tangible,” Jack says, and Dean whips his head around to stare at him. “No wonder Amara could sense it so clearly. It leads off this plane of existence right now, but I bet-”

“Wait,” Sam finally, finally looks up at Dean, and the expression on his face is wretched. “Is that…” he looks to Jack. “Is that why whenever Cas dies, Dean…”

Dean looks between them, confused. “Dean what?”

Jack shoots a look at Dean. “It’s… part of it. The connection doesn’t drain him, it isn’t dragging him into the empty. It’s more… representative I would say.”

For a second Sam almost looks smug, and Dean’s big brother instinct kicks in and he cuffs him. “Focus! Cas! How do we get him out of the Empty?”

“It won’t be easy,” Jack says solemnly, and Sam shakes his head. “But we can try.”

“You’re goddamn right we can,” Dean says, bitter and not hiding it. “What do we need to do?”

Jack lets out a heavy sigh. Looks up. Makes a complicated face. “Let’s go back to the bunker.”

Dean allows himself a quiet, subtle fistpump as he slides into the driver’s seat of Baby. 

\--

Eileen is waiting for them at the bunker, and Dean guesses Sam told her that things were good because she runs to hug Sam. Dean pushes past them and drops his stuff on the war table before turning to Jack.

“Ok, we’re at the bunker- how do we do this?”

“Dean, hold on,” Sam comes around from the bottom of the stairs, Eileen on his heels. “We’ve been up for I don’t remember how many hours, we should sleep and then Jack can-”

“Nope,” Dean doesn’t even look at his brother, eyes locked on Jack like he’s going to flitter away. “Cas first. Then sleep.”

“You have a plan?” Eileen says, hands flickering at the edge of Dean’s vision. “Already?”

Nobody says anything for a moment, and Dean feels his hackles rise. “You two jabbered the whole drive back, and now you can’t confirm you have a plan?”

Sam pushes his face into his hands. “Yeah, Dean, we have a plan. But it’s risky, and you’re going to have to do something risky, so you should  _ sleep _ first so you are less likely to-”

“Get torn apart by cosmic forces no human is meant to contain.” Jack finishes calmly, and Eileen’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Did he say cosmic forces?” she mock whispers.

Dean snorts. “Won’t be my first rodeo. I carried a soul bomb one time. And that was a suicide run.”

“Yeah Dean,” Sam sounds utterly exasperated. “That was a  _ suicide run _ . It didn’t matter if you got burned out because- because it was  _ suicide _ . Don’t you want to come back from this one?”

The seconds tick by, but Dean doesn’t flinch. 

“See what- see what I mean?” Sam looks at Jack, then Eileen. “Every time! Every time, without fail.”

“What, Sam?” Dean spins on him. “Don’t tell me you’re surprised I’m willing to risk my hide for Cas, this isn’t the first time I’ve-”

“Exactly my point!” Sam goes to slam his hand onto the war table but stops himself at the last second, setting his hand down calmly. “Every time Cas dies, you crack. Every time.” He works his jaw for a moment before saying, “Even when we defeated Chuck. I saw it. I saw what happened.  _ That’s  _ why I gave up, in the casino.” He looks up at Dean, eyes stoney. “Cas went down and you had to follow him. You always do.”

Eileen touches Sam’s arm, face worried and open and soft. In response, Sam takes a deep breath. “I don’t… I can’t lose you like that Dean. We won- we  _ won _ , and you  _ still  _ can’t help but throw yourself on the chopping block. I should have known.” 

“But you have a plan…?” Eileen asks, looking at Jack. “You said you had a plan, and if Dean gets some rest can he… do it?”

Dean and Sam continue to glare at each other over her head, but Jack answers. “It involves Dean crossing over to a plane of existence he has literally no right to be in. No mortal has ever been in the Empty, as far as I can tell. It might kill him just crossing. The Empty might shred his soul the second he crosses over. Even if it doesn’t, he has to find Cas and carry him back across. And the only way he could do that is if he is empowered with cosmic energy. Not to mention the fact that the Empty probably hasn’t just left his soul to sleep- it’s likely tortured it into shreds. So-”

“I’m doing it.” Dean cuts him off and turns away. “Fuck’s sake, I’m doing it. Of course I am.”

“Dean-”

“Jack isn’t going to stop me.” It isn’t a question, because to Dean, it isn’t. He knows. They all turn, and Jack has no expression on his face. Dean nods once. “Glad we’re on the same page. We rescue Cas, you,” he points at Jack, “can go to heaven and close the gates and everything is peaches. Capiche?”

Sam is working himself into a grade A bitch face. “Dean, at least get some rest. Please. Otherwise,” he holds up a hand when Dean opens his mouth, “otherwise  _ neither  _ of you could come back.” When it looks like the option doesn’t phase Dean, Sam tacks on, “And then Cas will have nobody to save him.”

Which is the right thing to say. Dean sniffs, nods, and turns toward his bedroom. “Wake me up in four.” 

They wait until he’s out of the room and down the hall before Eileen pipes up, “He needs at least six though, right?”

Sam nods and Jack shrugs. “He’s an angry sleeper,” Jack, the new God, says and sits in one of the chairs at the war table. “I’m not going to wake him up.”


	2. Chapter 2

Dean blinks awake in the pitch black of his room and has a bout of confusion. Light seeps in under his door, enough that he can confirm there’s nobody in the room with him, and he touches the gun under his pillow on reflex before grabbing his phone off the nightstand. 

Curses come naturally to him, like breathing, especially before his first hit of coffee. He tears off the sheets and flips the light before shoving through his limited clothing options. Maybe, once upon a time, he would have thought hard about what to wear when you’re risking your life to save someone. Now he gives his jeans and shirt a cursory sniff, catches laundry detergent, and doesn’t even consider anything else. 

The hall is empty and Dean scowls his way to the kitchen. He can smell coffee, that burnt acrid scent that means someone is using the old Mr. Coffee percolator, so he guesses Eileen. Sam isn’t as big on the stuff but he will use the nicer espresso thing that they got. And Dean doesn’t think Jack ever took to coffee, adding cream and sugar till it was barely recognizable when he did drink it. And that was before he was God. 

It is Eileen. She looks like she only just got up, hair still messy from sleep and Dean would find it endearing the way she blinks at him if he wasn’t angry and in need of his morning brew.

“I said four,” he barks as he walks in, and holds up four fingers. “That was more than seven.”

“I can count,” she snipes back, letting her coffee mug go long enough to converse. “If God doesn’t want to piss you off by waking you up why would I?” Then she turns back to her drink, cradling the warmth in her hands. 

Dean huffs but let’s it go so he can make himself a mug. It’s not bad, like Eileen might have cleaned the thing before making a pot, so Dean let’s his hackles go down. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” he grumbles when he takes a seat, and she raises an eyebrow.

“Thanks. And thanks for making sure I came back. I didn’t…” she scrunches her nose. “I was texting Sam one second, and then I was back in my house. My phone on my nightstand. So it wasn’t like it hurt or anything. I probably wouldn’t have known a difference.”

“We would’ve.” Dean feels his shoulders climb a little. “Sam was barely holding it together. I topped out Baby trying to get to you before…”

Eileen nods and visibly tamps down a smile. “Sam told me. He caught me up after you went to bed.”

If Dean wasn’t feeling so heavy, he might have made a comment about her wearing Sam’s shirt. Instead he sips his coffee and let’s the caffeine hit his brain. “So. No more Chuck pulling the strings. And you two…”

“Yeah. When he told me- when I realized Chuck was gone- I thought maybe I would just know the difference.” Her hands twitch as she cuts herself off, searching for words. “Like, a cloud would be gone, or maybe I would see and feel things more clearly.”

Dean swallows. “No?” He signs along, trying to get the hang of signing and talking at the same time.

She shrugs, but smiles at his hands. “It doesn’t feel any different. Chuck might have made it all happen, but even now he’s gone…” she shakes her head slowly. “I don’t know. It’s real. It’s still there. It’s always been real.”

Impulsively Dean copies ‘real’ in sign language. Eileen reaches over and adjusts it. “Real.” Dean says. 

“Real,” Eileen smiles, but it’s sad, and her hand lingers on his wrist like she’s comforting him. 

Dean hears footsteps in the hall behind him and turns to watch Sam come into the kitchen, pushing hair out of his face and looking like he’s been up for at least half an hour. “Dean, hey, we-”

“Let me sleep in,” Dean finishes for him, “even though I said four.”

“Yeah I can count Dean,” Sam scoffs. That makes Dean snort and Eileen giggles, and Sam raises an eyebrow. “Uh…”

“Where’s Jack?” Dean waves a hand, dismissing Sam’s confusion. “Let’s get the show on the road.” He stands and takes his mug to the sink, rinsing it out of habit and setting it aside. 

Sam follows him. “Dean, you should eat. Actual food, too. You need your strength.”

In response Dean braces his hands on the edge of the sink. “Yeah, that’s not happening. The only reason I even fell asleep was because I was so exhausted, and even then I was up a while.”

“Fine.” Sam doesn’t think it’s fine and it shows on his face but he doesn’t push it. “Jack’s still in the war room. Or he was last I saw him.”

Dean nods and heads that way, doesn’t bother to check if they follow him. As far as he could tell, they aren’t needed. It’s just Jack, and him, and they’re going to get him back. 

Get Cas back. 

He steps up into the war room and tries not to glance into the library but fails instantly. A lot happened in there. Likely too much. Happy and sad. Clinking glasses together and driving an angel blade into the book next to Cas’ bloodied face. 

Jack is, in fact, sitting in a chair at the war table, looking off into space. He focuses on Dean when he drops into the chair next to him though. “Dean. You’re rested.”

“I said four,” he mutters, because he’s not happy about a delay in getting Cas back. “Let’s do this.”

He expects Jack to explain more, or maybe let Sam argue as he lopes into the room after Dean with Eileen following. Instead Jack leans forward and fixes Dean with an intense look. “Do you know what you’re going to do?”

Oh. “Last I heard, you’re going to pump me full of cosmic mojo then shove me into the Empty. I’m going to grab Cas and you’re going to pull me out and I assume put the Empty to sleep again?” He ends it like a question because alright, he isn’t  _ super _ clear on what the sequence of events is, but he knows  _ his  _ job is to hold it together and grab Cas and that could probably be the tag line of his auto-biography because fuck his life. 

Sam hovers, looking uncertain, and Dean is willing to bet dollars to donuts he’s going to be a helicopter parent. At least at first. 

Jack just nods, holding eye contact. “Hold it together, as in, don’t let it tear you apart.”

Cool. Dean nods and shakes out his arms. “Alright. Do we need to do a spell, or-”

He’s cut off when Jack reaches forward and puts a hand on his forearm and he tenses, like he thinks Jack is about to stuff souls into him and Dean has carried a lot of stuff on his soul. He knows the weight and burn of the Mark of Cain, he knows the encompassing feeling of carrying souls. 

Sam makes an aborted movement forward, but Jack just gives Dean’s arm a squeeze. “Have faith, Dean,” he says. “And don’t forget why you are doing this.”

_ For Cas, _ Dean supplies silently.  _ I have to get him back. I didn’t have enough time before to- _

Then that quicksilver feeling shoots through his veins. It’s light, feather light, cool and slippery and not what Dean expected. He closes his eyes anyway, bracing for the other shoe to drop. 

“Dean?” Sam asks. “Are you ok?”

Dean nods. “Honestly it’s not bad.”

“Oh,” Dean opens his eyes to see Jack make a sad face. “That was just me reinforcing you as best I could.”

_ Shit _ . 

“Now I’m going to suffuse you with cosmic energy.”

Dean whites out.

\--

He’s falling. Dean tries to get his bearings but it’s like his eyes are closed. He blinks. No, ok, they aren’t closed. And, you know, maybe he isn’t falling. He puts his arms out and feels no resistance, just bumps into some dust particles that hover around him. Floating? Maybe?

For some reason he suddenly knows Sam is touching his shoulder. He calls up the memory of harboring Michael, the sense of someone else piloting his meat-suit, but it isn’t the same. He’s alone, he’s definitely alone in his head. 

The motes of dust around him are the only  _ things  _ with him. He taps across a few and his senses start to clear. Sam is definitely shaking his arm. Jack is in front of him, eyes burning white-gold, and he stands over Dean. 

**It is time.**

It’s Jack’s voice, or at least, it’s  _ Jack _ that says that, puts the words and thoughts into Dean’s general vicinity, and Dean suddenly feels like maybe he  _ is  _ the motes. All of them. They are all him. Like, his atoms or something.

“Well shit,” he says, and Sam startles a bit. The motes flicker and dance, little microscopic dots of light. 

Dean knows, somehow, that each one is carrying a bit of that cosmic fire that he sees burning through Jack. It burns. 

It  _ burns _ .

It took a minute, but he can feel it now. Heatless fire, across every inch of him. Straining. Pushing him apart like the soul bomb did, but also trying to compress him down with the weight of it.

**Hurry.**

Some of the motes shift, then all of them, like they are a wave in the ocean, as far as Dean can see or sense. He’s not in the bunker. He’s not anywhere. For a second, Dean wonders if he exists. Did he ever exist? Was any of it real?

He could let go, he knows. The motes start to expand, drifting apart. Dean feels the pressure ease and lets out a sigh, or at least feels the relief that comes with a sigh. The heatless fire abates slightly. 

**Stop. Focus.**

Ah, that’s right. It’s an eternity later but the motes haven't gotten very far apart and Dean gets them back where they are supposed to be. He can really feel his body now, but it’s like an out of body experience almost. He’s tracking his body, the ache in his knee and back, but also he’s interacting with the motes, and it’s very strange. 

He remembers Sam, Sam’s face, worried and tense and flicking over Dean like he’s looking for damage. “I can’t lose you like that,” he says.

**Focus.**

Jack seems a little exasperated, frustrated. Dean wants to smirk. He’s really good at getting under divine beings’ skin. Wait, what was he supposed to focus on?

Something, something that burns with actual heat as well as the heatless fire, taps something in Dean and suddenly he’s watching memories.

Driving his knife into Cas’ chest. Bringing a hand up to cup Cas’ face as he slumps in a chair. Cas, lit from below by burning holy oil. Cas, eyes crinkled in a smile as he looks away. Cas, laughing with Sam. Cas, biting into a burger. Cas, healing Dean’s arm. Cas, healing Dean. Cas, healing Dean. Cas, healing Dean again and again. Cas, throwing back a beer. Cas, shoving Dean into a wall and growling about how he gave everything for Dean. Cas, looking away from Dean as Dean pleads Cas to help him, asks Cas to defy heaven that first time. Cas, setting his mixtape onto Dean’s desk. Cas, taking the mixtape when Dean first offered it, when Dean hunched his shoulders and shoved it at Cas and Cas took it, smiled. Cas, eyes full of tears, telling Dean he is more than a blunt instrument, that he loves-

Dean feels his dust motes expand, slipping through his fingers. He failed. He pushed and pushed and pushed and he let his anger ruin his time, what time he had. The motes flicker and scatter, faster and faster.

**Dean Winchester.**

Ok, ok. Dean reaches out his consciousness and it’s so weird, he feels like he’s stretching his arms but he can sense every hair on his skin and every pore and it’s a little too much but he reigns in the motes. Ok. Focus up. He can do this. He’s a stubborn son of a bitch and he can do this. 

Then he’s in the Empty. He knows, immediately, that he is in the Empty. Jack stands next to him. The awareness of the motes is lessened, he’s more focused on looking at his hands, then around in the darkness. 

He also feels like he’s getting pushed. Pushed like a tube of toothpaste. There’s a sense of wrong and not belonging, like he’s about five degrees off from where he thinks he is. Like he’s running the wrong software for the hardware. 

“You aren’t supposed to be here,” Jack whispers, and then turns. “I’ll start putting the Empty to sleep. Hurry.”

Jack’s gone. Dean is alone, in the darkness. He blinks for a second and thinks, finally, that maybe he should have gotten more instruction before they started this. 

Focus, Jack said, so Dean takes a deep breath that he knows he doesn’t actually take and thinks. They said he had a connection. That must have been what Jack tapped. Dean rubs his fingers together, glancing around. He wants to shout for Cas, but that’s how you  _ wake  _ the empty, so he thinks Jack probably wouldn’t appreciate it. Plus, if he hasn’t already caught the Empty’s attention, he doesn’t want to do it now.

Dean thinks about the Hobbit movies, where they send in the halfling because Smaug doesn’t know the scent of halfling, and nearly laughs. He remembers Cas’ face, smiling and nodding, when Bilbo was trying to wrangle the dwarves to listen to him. 

That makes Dean feel something. Something like a tug. He blinks in the nothingness and settles his shoulders. Connection. Think about Cas, get a location. Like a spell. Like a locator spell.

Thing is, Dean licks his lips. Thing is he isn’t great at thinking about Cas. Obviously he  _ can _ , he has all these memories and all of this life that he’s experienced with the guy, but intentionally thinking about Cas is… painful. 

Go for broke, he tells himself. Twist the knife, make the blood flow. Dig deep and fight dirty. 

Cas, beseeching Dean as Billy tries to push through the door. Cas, trying to get Dean to understand. Cas, saying he sees Dean, beyond the mask, beyond his barriers and walls. Cas, saying he sees the  _ real _ Dean, and Dean feels fear. The fear of being known. 

Because Cas  _ knows  _ him. Knows him like only  _ maybe  _ Sam does. Has seen him in every low and every high. Has gathered all the puzzle pieces of him and can see the whole picture. And that scares Dean shitless. 

Cas, Cas knows him and he  _ loves _ him. 

Dean stumbles, like he’s moved but he doesn’t remember moving, except there’s stuff here. Cosmic stuff. Some kind of dust, like Dean’s, but scattered. Milky threads in the air, whisps. Dean reaches out to touch but stops. 

Cas is family. Dean’s hand shakes, the motes vibrating with energy and heatless fire. Cas loves him like family. Family don’t end in blood, Bobby said. It doesn’t. Cas isn’t blood but he’s  _ family _ and Dean will do anything for family. 

His hand brushes into the swirls of white and it’s white fire, like Jack, but less intense. 

Dean watches every interaction with Cas, back through time. In reverse. Cas, backing away from him in the bunker, tears withdrawing into his eyes. Cas, backing away from him in purgatory to hunker behind a tree. Cas, backing away from Dean when he told him it was real,  _ they  _ were real. Cas, backing away from Dean at the payphone, fresh from his first visit to the Empty. Cas, backing away. 

All the way. Back. To. That barn. 

Dean watches his knife come out of Cas’ chest, Cas walks backward as lights are put back together above. The doors close. 

Then, something Dean doesn’t remember. But he sees. He sees Cas, vibrating like he is, burning with white fire. It’s Cas but it doesn’t look like Cas, not like Dean knows him. But he knows instantly that it’s Cas. Like he would recognize the burning white figure, being, ethereal force of angelic power anywhere. He doesn’t have a halo so much as he is one, he’s burning and bright and has too many heads and he’s reaching down. Dean can’t really get a good grasp on what Cas looks like except he figures maybe he isn’t supposed to. 

But it’s moving forward, not backward. Dean watches as black clouds, demons, try to rally against Cas’ fire and are scattered by the vibrations that roll across Cas’ form. They seem so small next to Cas. He ignores them. He reaches into a swirling red and black, darkness and spikes and iron chains, and Dean shoves himself away.

The lights flicker, and he feels his motes closing in on him, condensing like a collapsing star and the dust in front of him dissipates slightly. 

Dean can’t shake it though. That was Cas  _ saving him from hell. _ That was Cas brushing off the torturers and the slavers like they were nothing because he was a garrison commander on a mission from God and charged up not unlike Dean is now. 

His throat closes up, the motes crushing into each other and ricocheting off each other and the fire burns in his soul. 

“The moment Castiel laid a hand on you in hell he was  _ lost _ !”

“The very  _ touch  _ of you corrupts!”

Doubt floods him and he can’t think, energy snapping across him like solar flares as he trembles and tries not to weep. He did this. He did  _ all  _ of this. This is all his fault. Every pain Castiel has endured was because of Dean. If Dean hadn’t interfered, Castiel would be fine, would be whole. How could Dean think that he could  _ fix  _ this, fix any of this?

“We’re making this up as we go,” Cas said, and Dean feels himself back in that kitchen with Chuck and Cas, feels himself turn to look at Cas’ profile. 

A tendril of the whisps settle across Deans foot. It’s nothing, a few scarce embers of fire trailing smoke and settling after Dean stopped moving. 

But it’s Cas. Not that it’s enough of Cas to be intentional. Cas is nearly gone, the Empty slowly tearing him apart. 

It’s Cas though, and it touches enough of Dean that he has to step back because he’s watching it again, watching Cas reach down with purpose and scoop something up before Dean breaks contact.

Jack doesn’t appear, doesn’t tell Dean to focus or guide him. He is alone, in the Empty, with his soul crushing him.

And Cas at his feet.

He crouches. As much as he hates it, hates everything bad that has happened to Cas because of him, he has to try. He owes it to Cas. 

His motes relax, stop crushing him like a vice, and he shakes his head. 

“Cas, buddy,” Dean reaches out again, scoops a hand under the little pile left of his friend. “I don’t know how to do this, so bear with me.”

The memory starts again. Castiel, a giant form of white light, movements sure and steady. One of his heads snaps at a larger cloud of black and it vanishes. There are other angels, Dean realizes. They’re smaller but they are there, swarming behind Cas and keeping a clear path out. Fighting against demons. For him.

He feels guilt, heavy and familiar. Keeps watching, like in slow motion. 

Cas pushes aside the darkness, peels back the irons, and Dean sees himself. Demonic, soul torn to shreds. More black smoke than anything. That version of himself pushes back against Cas and Dean inhales sharply at the shock of it. Cas just scoops him up, and the pulses of his body peel back the smoke like it’s mist burning off in the morning. 

He too was just a little pile of dust. Cas did something, pushed his light into the pile, and it started to take shape. Dean remembers Cas saying something about putting him back together, like he molded Dean out of clay into his form. 

As Cas did, his fire shrunk, dimmed. He grew smaller, and the angels swarming around him closed in closer, defending him as he pieced Dean back together, focused on his work. 

Cas knew him, Dean thinks. Knew every inch of his soul. And then he learned him over the years, learned who he was and  _ why  _ he was.

“I’m just doing what you did, huh,” Dean whispers to the pile in his hands. “What you did but in reverse.”

A dance partner. Following the steps as Cas laid them out. Learning Cas, then piecing him together. 

It makes Dean smile.

He pushes the fire into his hands, peels it off his motes and his being and into Cas. Cas lights a little, expands, coalesces. He’s still there, pulsing and fighting. Now to give him form.

Dean isn’t really sure how to do that. He doesn’t know human anatomy that well, let alone angel anatomy. How can he hope to align every piece of Cas exactly as he was?

The texture of Cas’ beard pops into his head. In purgatory, he pulled Cas in close and rubbed his cheek and felt the coarse grain. Felt the breadth of his shoulders, the thump of his heart. It forms in Dean’s hands like the memory is shaping in front of him.

_ Oh, _ Dean thinks.  _ Is this what creation is? _

He tries not to dwell on it as he sifts through his memories. The feel of Cas’ hands. His smell. The thickness of his hair. The fullness of his lips. The light in his eyes. 

It isn’t everything. Dean feels a trickle of fear because he doesn’t know everything. He hasn’t mapped Cas’ body out, for fucks sake. Maybe if he gets it close enough it will work and then Jack can straighten out any moles he misplaced. 

Dean focuses, hard, his motes standing completely still as he pulls the last of the fire from them and wraps his memories of Cas’ and feels his friend coming together under his attention. 

Cas’ smile keeps coming back, popping into Dean’s thoughts. The crows feet around his eyes. The way his nose scrunched up. The curve of his cheek. 

It helps to center him when he wavers, when he panics and thinks  _ What the fuck do Cas’ knees even look like? Have I ever seen them?? _ He goes back and traces over each line of Cas’ face, and it reminds him that he has to try. 

“Dean.”

Dean’s motes absolutely scatter for a second, fear and surprise and longing making them jump before he can carefully gather himself, literally. “Cas?”

The strange feeling of something coming awake under his hands makes Dean roll back on his heels. He watches Cas gather himself, his white fire growing stronger and his motes aligning and taking shape before the image, before Cas, is standing in front of him, exactly as he looked when he died.

“Dean, no.” Cas shakes his head. “You can’t be here, you… this is a trick, another torture, please-”

Dean doesn’t hesitate. Just wraps his arms around Cas and pushes, pushes whatever fire he has left into Cas and grins with wet eyes. “Cas it’s me, I’ve got you, I’m getting you out.”

“Stop.” Cas pushes back, and some fire traces back into Dean. “Don’t extinguish yourself Dean. I did this so you  _ wouldn’t  _ die.”

Oh. “Oops,” Dean says. He didn’t realize… “But are you… ok?”  _ Whole?  _ He wants to ask.  _ Did I mess it up again? _

Cas considers himself, patting over his semi-corporeal body. “You… you did this?”

“I… yeah.” Dean settles his hand onto Cas’ shoulder. Everything falls into place. He feels the rightness of it in his soul. “I’ve got you, Cas.”

Dean puts his hand on Cas’ shoulder and Jack lets Dean get shunted out of the Empty and they are falling, or floating, or flying. Dean’s hand stays on Cas’ shoulder and it burns, the contact burns as their connection drags Cas after Dean and they haul ass out of the Empty’s realm.

Dean doesn’t let go. 

“Holy shit!”

Sam clatters back, falling past a chair and sending it skittering away from the war table. Eileen jumps to her feet, hands out to help.

Dean feels like he should probably be smoking, like in Galaxy Quest when they get transported to the ship. “That was a hell of a ride,” he says before he can stop himself, and Sam gawps.

“What the shit Dean!”

His hand is still on Cas’ shoulder. When he lets go he sees the fabric of his coat, and jacket, and shirt all flop away. 

There, burned into his skin, is Dean’s handprint in fresh pink scar tissue. 

“Fuck,” Dean reaches out but hovers, afraid to do more damage. “Sorry Cas, I didn’t realize- are you ok?”

Cas glances at the handprint. Blinks. “What?”

Sam gets his feet under him and Eileen circles the table to crush Dean into a side hug. “We were so worried,” she says into his shoulder, then turns to Cas. “You too.” Her hug for him is more gentle as Sam carefully peels back the shreds of his clothing. 

He whistles low, impressed. “Wow. Dean is that, is that where you gripped him?”

They all look at the scar, then back at Dean, who is just staring at Cas. “I… guess so.”

Cas meets his gaze, eyes wide and confused. “How did you-”

At that moment Dean realizes he can sense Jack at his shoulder, where he wasn’t a split second ago. He can feel the cosmic vibrations, even if he can’t feel the motes anymore. 

“Cas,” Jack says, and it’s with more emotion than he’d shown since he bled Chuck of power. “It worked.”

“It did?” he replies, but he’s still looking at Dean. “But I don’t understand how.” He reaches up and puts a hand over Dean’s heart and for some reason it feels intensely intimate and Dean fights back a blush. 

Sam clears his throat. “Uh, Jack did it. I mean, Jack helped Dean, or Dean helped Jack.”

Cas’ eyes slide to Jack and he stills. “Jack…” They all stay quiet as Cas takes it in. He finally lets his shoulders drop along with his gaze. “I’m so confused.”

With a wry smile Sam grips his uninjured shoulder, high, near his neck, and squeezes. “Yeah, we need to catch you up on a couple things.”


	3. Chapter 3

Dean makes sure Cas is ok, he got everything in the right place (Jack nods to Dean from the side and Dean wonders if maybe Jack  _ did _ correct the inconsistencies but doesn’t ask). As far as Cas can tell he is in perfect health, his grace full, his form whole, his mind his. Then he sits down with Jack, and Sam, Dean and Eileen drift away to give them space.

“What happened?” Sam whispers, and Dean knows this should be recorded, they should put this down and make sure people know it could be done. It’s what good hunters do. What Men of Letters do. 

But at the same time, he resists. This was him, and Cas, and Jack. This was the way it had to happen, because… because it did. Dean has no doubt that it wouldn’t work if it was anyone else. And selfishly, he wants to keep this. Keep it between him and Cas. They’re the only two who know what they have done for the other.

“I just,” Dean cups one hand. “I found him in the empty, and I scooped him up and told him to pull himself together.”

Sam does a full body eye-roll. “Come on. Be serious. You were burning like an archangel when you disappeared. You show up hours later completely normal with Cas. Like nothing happened- like  _ you _ teleported the both of you home.”

“I don’t know, Sam,” Dean shrugs and shakes his head. “It felt… kind of awful. Like I was aware of every cell in my body at once, constantly, and I had to focus on holding them together while also trying to find Cas and then I had to push that fire into him and remind him who he is.”

Hands on his hips, Sam considers Dean. “Incredible.” He pushes a hand into his face, looking exhausted. “Just- just like that. Incredible.”

Eileen rubbed Dean’s shoulder soothingly. “Are you hungry?”

It’s so… mundane, so normal, that Dean bursts out laughing. Like she suddenly brought him back down to reality.

He was home. He survived. He not only survived- he got Cas back. They thwarted Chuck and saved everyone and then Dean went into the Empty and pulled Cas out. 

It was over. 

He bends over double and puts his hands on his knees as the laughter breaks into a sob. Eileen rubs his back and he notes the footsteps that signaled Cas was running over.

“Dean?” Cas grabs at him, pulling him upright and studying his face. “Are you alright? Are you suffering from lingering effects of the Empty? It was reckless, Dean, you shouldn’t have risked yourself to get me out.” His hands pulse and Dean felt a shadow of quicksilver over his skin, like Cas was trying to heal him. 

“I’m fine Cas,” Dean nods and wipes his eyes. “It’s just… we did it.” He looks at them, then at Jack who was lingering a little ways away. “I can’t believe we did it.”

Sam shakes his head and cracks a grin as well. “We did it.” 

Dean wants to hold onto this moment, the lightness and the sudden unclench of his whole body, for eternity. Maybe he will.

But he doesn’t, because after they’ve all hugged and Sam kisses Eileen and Dean darts a glance at Cas who looks away, Jack touches Cas’ arm. 

“Castiel…”

He nods, face going tight, and Dean feels all of that weight come back. “What.” Dean hisses. “What now?”

Cas stays silent, like he’s searching for the words, so Jack dips his head and says. “It’s time. I need to shut the gates.”

And that’s when Dean realizes what he should have, back when Jack first told him. 

_ He said he was bringing the angels back to heaven, _ Dean recalls, and his hands ball into fists.  _ Of course that means Castiel. _

“No.”

“Dean-”

“No.” He isn’t even sure who was trying to reason with him, but he settles his gaze on Jack. “Not happening. He stays here. He’s  _ earned  _ it.”

“Dean, please,” Cas’ hand lands on Dean’s shoulder, over where his mark should be, and Dean wants to collapse with it. “I’ll see you when…”

Biting his lip, Dean shakes his head. “No, nuh-uh, not good enough. Cas deserves his life, deserves to go where he wants when he wants. You  _ owe him _ , Jack, you know you do.”

Jack doesn’t bend. Dean isn’t sure if he can anymore. “Dean. I need Castiel's help to fix heaven. But I also can’t leave one angel on earth. I can’t leave divine power to affect humanity any more.”

The worst part is that Dean gets it, and it makes perfect sense, but Dean  _ doesn’t want it _ . Not if it means losing Cas  _ again _ when he literally just got him back. “No,” he argues again, but it’s weaker.

Cas grips his shoulder a little tighter, like he knows Dean is close to letting go. “I’m sorry I keep saying goodbye.”

The tears start falling because Dean has had it. Enough. He can’t keep doing this, over and over again. He refuses to say goodbye. It’s too much. He’s tired to his bones and thinks that he’s ready to lay down and never get up again.

“You know what?” Sam suddenly grits through his teeth. “I’m with Dean. I told you- I  _ told you _ what happens when Cas dies, when he’s gone.”

Jack tilts his head and looks at Sam like he’s missing something. “And I told you: I’m going to be more hands off. I won’t leave any divine energy on Earth.” 

“What do you mean,” Cas’ voice is softer, “what happens to Dean when I die?”

“He cracks like someone threw a rock in a window.” Sam answers, and Dean lets his face fall into his hands because he both can’t deny it and doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to bother. “Look at him- it’s already happening. You’re giving up aren’t you Dean?”

Cas’ hands push over Dean’s shoulders. He knows those hands. “Dean?”

“I can’t…” Dean trails off and tries to swallow down the absolute gut-wrenching pain in his throat. “I can’t…”

“Hey,” Cas is worried, voice going tight as he pushes Dean into a chair. “Dean, it won’t be forever. You got me out of the Empty- I can never repay you for that. I’ll be waiting- the second you die of old age I’ll be there to show you heaven. I promise, Dean.”

“You don’t owe me you idiot,” Dean manages, and sniffs hard. He looks up at Cas, who is all concerned frowns and beseeching eyes. “Fuck, Cas, I owe  _ you _ . And I’m failing you  _ again _ .”

“Have you forgotten what I told you?” 

Sam is arguing with Jack, and Eileen is glancing nervously between the new God and Sam like she’s worried things are going to go nuclear, but they’re all so distracted they don’t notice Cas crouch in front of Dean to look up at him. “What I… What I said, Dean, I meant it. In your prayer, you said you forgive me. I told you that I see the good in you, all of the good in you. You don’t owe me anything.” He draws back, pulling his hands from Dean sheepishly. “I can’t ask you for anything, either.”

Dean wants to push his face into Cas’ shoulder, wants to sob into his stupid coat and feel his warmth. But he doesn’t because he’s a mess and he keeps thinking about his anger. Feels it bubble up inside him before it leeches away at the sight of Cas, in front of him and alive. 

But leaving. 

And Dean knows he has no right to ask him to stay.

“Please,” his eyes fall closed and he thinks  _ Whenever I pray to him, he hears me,  _ and then,  _ I can’t lose you again Cas. I can’t. _

“I don’t  _ care _ that you won’t leave divine energy!” Sam shouts, and spins on his heel to walk a few steps away before turning back. “This is  _ Cas _ ! Doesn’t that warrant an exception?!”

“I already helped Dean bring him back, after you realized how to do it.” Jack explains calmly. Dean peels his eyes open to watch solemnly. “This isn’t permanent. It will be painful, but you will survive.”

“Dean  _ won’t _ !” Sam snaps. “If you don’t want divine energy here then why don’t you-”

He cuts himself off and Dean stills. Cas’ hands twitch like he wants to do something but is afraid and watches Dean. 

“Oh screw you,” Sam says, but all the viciousness is gone and he takes a few bounding strides to dart into the library. Jack watches him go with a faint smile before turning. 

“Cas,” Jack says, and holds out a hand. “Will you leave him to his fate, his choices?”

_ Please,  _ Dean begs Cas silently but the shame still burns across his ears and chest.  _ Please don’t leave me again. _

Cas hesitates. “I don’t want to,” he says, and his voice is so low and rumbly that Dean compulsively swallows. “But I will. If I must.”

His hand brushes Dean’s knee as he rises and Dean reaches out to grab his wrist, rising with him. Cheeks burning, he searches Cas’ face, looking for something. 

Cas loved him like family, Dean knew. But the entire time, Dean loved him like something more.

Dean’s thoughts are a mess- have been a mess since Cas was pulled into the empty and left him sobbing on the floor. The hope he had felt for a few fleeting seconds had shattered every feeling he was trying to lock down. 

_ Angels don’t feel the same way humans do _ , he reminded himself. Over and over.  _ Cas loves humanity, loves me like a brother. He doesn’t fall in love. _

Dean is human though. Humans fall in love. They fall in love all the time. With someone they know, someone they grow with. With strangers who they catch doing something kind. They fall in love with love, telling romantic stories through books and pictures and songs and their voices, echoing the longing of a lovers reciprocation. 

Cas told Dean that he loved him, and that it was his true happiness to love Dean, and it broke Dean’s heart because it wasn’t what Dean felt. “Don’t do this,” he had said, because it was torture to hear Cas explain how cherished he was knowing the whole time that it wasn’t the same. That Cas was feeling something so close, but so very very different from Dean, that it almost gave Dean hope. 

But ever since Chuck stopped being God, his machinations unraveled and his intentions for their story spread into the wind? Dean knew. As soon as Jack turned to them on that muddy ground and looked at them Dean knew.

He had loved Cas for a long, long time. But Chuck didn’t write that, didn’t set that into motion, so it was like those feelings were behind a veil from Dean. If he looked, he could see the shape of it, but it was distant and intangible, unknowable. There was always something there, just out of reach. 

Chuck was gone, and with it, that thin barrier.

Eileen said when she came back she didn’t feel any different, and Dean wondered if she and Sam would have fallen for each other anyway, without Chuck. He’ll never tell them that he doubts it because when Chuck was gone Dean  _ did  _ know, immediately, what was different. 

He let himself see the shape of his love, and it was Cas, and it hurt because it was never going to be reciprocated. 

_ Please _ . So he begs, silently in his mind because he can’t stand the shame of Cas knowing the truth. That Dean loves him like a human. Dean is in love.

When Cas hesitates, eyes filling, Dean tries to squash the seed of hope again. “Dean,” his voice wavers, “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“Because I can argue this time?” Dean whispers. “Because you aren’t getting snatched away before I can say my piece?”

“Here!” Sam practically leaps into the war room and Dean turns his face away on instinct to hide his tears. “Here, here here here Cas put your- oh.” He slows, looking between Cas and Dean and where Dean is gripping Cas’ wrist. “Are you- did you-”

“What, Sam?” Dean growls, wiping tears hastily as he turns. “What do you have?” He drops Cas’ wrist.

Sam shifts his weight. “I don’t want to interrupt-”

“For fucks sake,” Dean curses under his breath. 

“-I uh,” Sam turns to Jack and glares for a second. “Tell me if this is what I was supposed to come up with, won’t you?” He turns back and offers a familiar silver flask to Cas. “If you put your grace in this, then Jack can take it to heaven and close the gates. And you can stay here.”

“He’ll die, Sam,” Dean argues. “He can’t just separate his grace from his soul, it  _ is  _ his soul.”

“With a spell he can, or with Jack’s help,” Sam shoots back. Then glances over his shoulder at Jack. “Right?”

Jack’s eyes are a little raised, but otherwise he looks unperturbed. “Sure. Castiel will be fully human, and there will be no energy on Earth that could turn him back into an angel.”

Dean lifts his lip angrily. “And when he dies? When he gets killed or gets sick or just- dies of old age? What then? Why have me drag him out of the Empty if-”

“As a human,” Jack interrupts, “Cas will go to heaven when he dies. And I can give him back his grace. If he wants it.”

Dean shakes his head and has to look away for a second. “If he  _ wants  _ it? Why the hell would Cas  _ want  _ to be a human?” He looks at Cas and sees he’s staring at the flask in Sam’s hands, eyes wide. “Cas, you hate being human, you know you do. This isn’t the way. I won’t- I won’t let you give up your grace.”

_ But… _ a treacherous voice whispers in Dean’s head.  _ If he were human, wouldn’t it be possible- _

“You…” Cas looks back at Dean. “You don’t want me here as a human?”

Dean shoves his hands into his hair in frustration. “I want  _ you  _ here Cas. I want you to finally get what you deserve. I want you to have a free choice, not the illusion of one with half of you torn away.”

Cas looked, for some reason, crushed at that. “Dean…”

“Just-” Dean holds his hands up, clenches them into fists, and turns to walk away. “I need a minute, do not-  _ do not  _ leave until I get back.”

He heard Sam say something similar to Jack before he padded after Dean. “Dean, wait.”

“I can’t do this, Sam.” Dean paced down the hall, eyes unseeing. “I can’t keep failing him, man. He- he deserves better.”

“What happened.”

It isn’t a question, not like he’s asking if something happened. He already knows. Dean turns and slumps against the wall like he’s cut from a string. 

“He- I- I just-”

Sam follows him down. “Dean, breathe. Something changed between you two. Just tell me.”

Dean takes a shuddering breath. “When he sacrificed himself, to get Billy and summon the Empty he said-” he has to pause, pushing the palms of his hands into his eyes. “Shit, this is too much. He told me he knew me, Sam.”

No response. “Uh, elaborate please?”

Of course. That wasn’t very clear. “He told me that he  _ knew me _ , Sam.” Dean pulls his hands away and stares at the opposite wall. “He put my soul back together, and then he got to know me over the past, what, decade? More than? And he  _ told me _ . About myself. What he saw. Behind…” he waves a hand to imply his face. “Not what I… not who I act like. Who I  _ am. _ ”

“Oh.” And Sam says it like he suddenly understands, so Dean looks at his brother. Sam is blinking at Dean and his mouth is a little slack. “Shit, dude. That’s heavy.”

Dean points at Sam. “Exactly. And then he said-  _ fuck _ , he told me I changed him.”

“Yeah,” Sam nods along like this is not a revelation. “But it was for the better I think.”

“What?!” Dean thunks his head back against the wall and relishes how that focuses him. “No. If I hadn’t… if he never met me he wouldn’t have had to endure all that pain. I’ve only brought suffering, Sam. Everyone around me dies, suffers.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Sam punched Dean’s arm. “Nuh-uh. Not a pity party right now. That’s objectively false. Don’t start. Go back to what changed.”

“He told me he  _ loved me _ !” Dean spits out before he can stop himself, and squeezes his eyes shut. “And that hurts most of all.”

There’s another beat of silence, heavy in the air, and Dean chances a peek. Sam is making his ‘Dean is a complete idiot’ face. “Dean, do you…” he pursed his lips. “Do you feel the same?”

“No,” Dean replies, and Sam’s eyebrows shoot up. “I mean, obviously I do, he’s family,” with every word Sam looks more frustrated, “but I don’t just l… I don’t just love him, Sam.”

“Dean,” Sam closes his eyes like he’s praying for patience, and who knows, maybe he is. “Help me out here.”

With a heavy swallow, Dean steels himself. “I’m  _ in love  _ with him, Sam.”

Sam lets out a sigh, like a weight is coming off of his chest. “Yeah, ok.” Sam pats his shoulder. “I was really worried I was going to have to explain that to you.”

Of course Dean whips his head around to stare at Sam. “What? You-”

“Yeah,” Sam shrugs. “I mean, I knew something was there, but after Chuck was gone and you mentioned getting Cas back, all the pieces fell into place.”

“It’s  _ because _ he’s gone,” Dean looks down at the floor. “The second it stopped being his story I realized. It was there, like you said, but I couldn’t pin it down until we got rid of him.”

“Let’s roll back to why that’s bad, though.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Because, Sam.” He sniffs, rubs his nose. “He can’t reciprocate.”

“Mm.” Sam tilts his head. “Except he already did?”

“No, no.” Dean shakes his head vehemently. “He’s an angel, he can’t.”

“What about uhh, the angel that you said was with Adam?”

“Not the same.”

Sam narrows his eyes at Dean. “Really?  _ Really  _ Dean?”

“He’s said he’s loved us before. It’s like family. It’s not the same.”

There’s a bite in his voice that makes Sam hold his hands up. “Ok, so let’s pretend it’s exactly like you think: You are in love with Cas and he only loves you like family.” Dean shrinks into himself. “Why can’t Cas stay with us as a human? Then he might-”

“Because he shouldn’t have to!” 

Sam suddenly stands. “You know what- ok. I get it now. And I’m going to be an ass, but I think you’ll thank me. Later.” And he heel-turns and strides back to the war room.

“Sam- Sammy!” Dean scrambles after him, heart suddenly racing. “Don’t you dare!”

“You’re being an idiot and we don’t have time,” Sam calls back.

Dean skids into the war room and goes to grab Sam but it’s too late, he’s closing with Cas who is holding the flask. “Cas, let me point something out real quick.”

Cas looks confused and blinks between Sam and Dean. “Is now the time, Sam?”

“Yes.” Sam braces his stance and puts his hands on his hips. Eileen raises her eyebrow from where she is lingering by the doorway. “I think it might be. Because I think you,” and he turns to Jack, “could have cleared all this up so much faster and easier but you’re trying out your whole ‘hands off’ methodology and it’s dragging this shit out.”

Jack shrugs.

“Yep. Thought so. Well done. And they might have figured it out, but you missed something important.” Sam goes back to looking at Cas. “Hey, Cas, you know how English is a messed up language?”

Cas now looks completely baffled and a little alarmed. “Y… yes, it’s an imperfect and imprecise language in general, but it’s the only one you and Dean speak fluently.”

Sam snaps his fingers. “Exactly- imprecise. Here’s the thing. Love?” Cas pales, and Dean feels his stomach drop uncomfortably. “Lots of flavors of love, in english. For example, I love ginger ale.”

“Sam,” Dean doesn’t whine, but it’s close. “Can you just-”

“Eileen loves the smell of those peppermint candles.”

Cas flicks his gaze around the room like he’s looking for an escape. “Sam I-”

“I also love Jack, like a son.” Sam turns and tilts his head at Jack. “I do, by the way. I’m proud of you, Jack. Really proud.”

Jack smiles.

“And I love Dean, even though he’s a stubborn self-loathing, pig-headed idiot about some things.” Sam turns to Dean and gives him a little-brother special smile that lets Dean know this is for his own good, but he still feels like he’s going to barf.

“Familial love, you know?” Sam turns back to Cas. “And I was in love once, with a girl named Jess. Watched her die, too.”

Cas gets a sorrowful look on his face. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“Did you catch the difference there Cas?”

Everyone but Sam is confused then. Dean grabs Sam’s shoulder. “Please, Sammy, please shut up and let me-”

Sam shrugs him off. “I’ll try again. Dean?” He gestures to his brother as if introducing them. “He loved our mom. A lot.”

That might have been the wrong tactic, because Cas’s face clouds. “I know, Sam, that’s why Dean told me I was dead to him.”

There’s a light pop as Sam’s jaw drops. “He what.”

“Sam…”

“You  _ what _ ?”

“I apologized! Cas, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why-”

“It’s fine, Dean, we’ve been over this, I just don’t appreciate Sam acting like-”

“Idiots,” Sam grumbles. “I live with fucking idiots. Except you,” he nods at Eileen and Dean rolls his eyes.

“Sam!”

“Dean! You loved mom, and you love me, like family. I know it. That’s not the same as when you were in love with Lisa though, right?”

Cas’ eyes get a little wide, and he looks away. Dean is frantic, trying to figure out how to get Sam to shut up, stop twisting the knife, and help him figure out a way to get Cas to stay. “Is now really the time for a chick-flick moment Sam?” he tries, going for angry. “Jack is about to grab Cas and bounce and you want to-”

Sam lets his head roll back like he’s beseeching the heavens, then turns to Jack. “A little help? Please?”

Jack holds both hands up and takes a step back. 

“Fine! Cas, do you love Dean or are you  _ in love  _ with Dean?”

Eileen, Dean realizes, has slipped out into the hall. He can hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, rage building at Sam as Cas’ face morphs through several emotions at once. Jack takes another step back and then he’s gone. It’s just the three of them.

“What does this have to do with me staying on Earth?” Cas’ brows come down. “Why are you pushing on this so hard, Sam? Why does it matter?”

“I want you here, Cas, because I love you. You’re like a brother to me.” Sam holds his hands out and shrugs. “I’ll take you, angel or human, it doesn’t matter.”

Cas gives Sam his ‘I swear to my dad that humans are just as stupid as they were as monkeys’ glare. “Sam. I appreciate the thought. Why does it matter?”

“I’m done.” Sam throws up his hands, turns, and Dean realizes Sam is flushing with anger. “If you guys still can’t figure this shit out, then fine. I did everything I could.”

He storms out and with him all the energy in the room. 

“Dean I…” Cas looks away, where Jack was. “I’ll go. And I’ll be waiting.”

It’s like it’s inevitable, at this point. Dean is cursed. Cursed to watch Cas leave over and over and over again. He says nothing, mouth dry and heart in his throat as Cas puts a foot on the stair leading to the library.

“But I do love you.”

The pain in his chest seizes, doubles down. “I…”

“I don’t… I don’t really know what Sam was trying to say.” Cas has paused. “Please tell him that he is like a brother to me.”

“Cas I love you too.”

There’s a shift as Cas half turns, the pieces of his coat that were between Dean’s fingers fluttering. “You…?”

In a rush, because this is it, and Dean isn’t going to let Cas go without at least trying to let him know what he means to Dean. “Yeah, I love you, ok? I couldn’t say it before because it hurts, Cas, it hurts so much to hear you say that and know you don’t mean it the way I do, but I guess I’m done caring.” Dean tries to shrug nonchalantly like this isn’t killing him and he isn’t going to drown his sorrows in booze the second Cas is gone for good. Again. “So there it is.”

Cas just stares at him. “You don’t have to- what do you mean? Why does it hurt?”

Dean would really rather get torn apart by hellhounds right then. Probably would be less mortifying, maybe even less painful. “Because I don’t just love you, Cas. I’m in love with you.” 

To Dean’s surprise, he starts to feel better, so he keeps going. “Yep, yeah, I’m in love with you. I’m in love with Castiel, angel of the lord. Betrayed heaven for me, gave up his power for me, has gone to the mat for me countless times. Bled for me, died because of me, suffers because of me. Can’t help it Cas. I’d have you, any way I can, any day of the week. Dean Winchester!” He raises his voice slightly. “Heaven and hell’s most wanted! Offered to kill myself and Sam to get you back. Crack like I’m made of glass every time you die. Can’t live without you, Cas. So maybe I’m being selfish, telling you not to go. But, hey, even if you do I’ll just die in a few days and see you in heaven, right?”

One foot down off the stairs, Cas continues to stare at Dean wide-eyed. “You… but you don’t want me here if I’m a human? You don’t want me to give up my grace?”

“Of course I don’t! It isn’t right!” Dean clenches his fists. “You’ve given up everything- everything for this universe. Bled and died and died again. Watched your friends die. Killed some yourself. Lost your grace, fought to get it back. You’ve given enough, I’ve had enough. You shouldn’t have to give anything up again. So don’t. Don’t do it.”

“It’s not because I’m weaker.” Cas steps fully down to the floor, like he’s feeling his way closer to Dean. “It’s not because I can’t help as much as a human?”

Dean rocks back on his heels and starts to realize why Sam was so frustrated. “Shit, Cas- of course not!” Fear that he’s not convincing enough propels him forward and he reaches for Cas before stopping himself. “Never. I’d rather have you. I’ve told you. I’d rather have you cursed or not, human or angel. I need you Cas.” He bites his lip. “We’re better together, ok? I am. I’m better with you.”

“I see.” Cas is starting at him with a frown, like he’s processing some new information and is trying to reset his assumptions. Dean waits, sweat starting to bead on his forehead. 

“So.” Dean licks his lips. “There. Now you know.”

“Right.” Cas narrows his eyes at Dean. “That’s why Sam was talking about love. The difference.”

Cold is creeping over Dean’s shoulders. “Yeah. Love, and being in love. It’s different, Cas.”

“Of course.” Cas looks Dean up and down. “And you believe that I love you, but I am not  _ in love  _ with you.”

Shit. Dean swallows. Shit fuck ass. Balls. “I understand, Cas, I know angels can’t- it’s ok. I understand.”

“I don’t think you do.” Cas tilts his head, and it’s so familiar, so Cas, that Dean feels himself crumble a little. “Are you aware of the four versions of love, as identified by the ancient Greeks?”

“Uh,” Dean tries to focus, to think, but he’s also vaguely aware that Jack is probably going to drag Cas away any second and wants to take in every second he can. “Is that like Aphrodite or…?”

“Close.” Cas steps closer. Personal space be damned. “Your love for Sam, it would be known most like philia. A virtuous love. For friends and family. To love the mind.” He squints his eyes. “I do love you in this way.”

Dean nods and looks down. “Thanks, Cas.”

“I’m not finished. There is also eros, the love of a person's beauty. Longing.” He’s closer now and Dean hears a ringing in his ears, a high pitched whine. “Desire.” His eyes flick down to Cas’ lips. “Sensual desire.”

“I know the feeling,” Dean manages to choke out, voice weak. 

Cas grabs Deans shirt front and spins, slamming him into the wall next to the library. “Still not done. I feel this too, for you. But not only this. Love of the mind.” He looks into Dean’s eyes and Dean tries to remember how to breathe, catch his thoughts before they slip away. “Love of the body…” he barely glances down. “Well, perhaps that is egotistical, considering I did rebuild this body once.”

Before Dean can find a reply, Cas continues, “They also spoke of agape. The greeks. A true love. More than eros. More than the shallow love of a body. A love of a soul, should such a concept exist for humans.”

Dean remembers scooping up Cas’ soul, the soft whisps of it curling around his fingers. Remembers seeing Castiel reach down through the swirling darkness to grip him. Remembers the light in Cas’ eyes when he gave him that mixtape. 

“I love your soul, Cas,” Dean whispers, and tries to take a breath. “Cas, I love every part of you, every smile, every time you’ve- is that- is there a name for all of them? Because that’s what-”

“There isn’t.” Cas is speaking directly against his lips, his breath brushing Dean’s face and he can practically feel the warmth from Cas, so close. “There should be.”

Dean teeters, frozen. Cas is too close, and one hand is still holding Dean against the wall like he’s nothing, but the other is touching his collarbone and he wants to die, wants to scatter his existence to burn off the trembling energy he can’t contain. “Maybe english isn’t the only vague language?” he tries, shifting to bring his shaking hands up and gripping Cas’ elbows. Holding on.

“I agree.” He looks down at Dean’s lips, and Dean inhales a shuddering breath before Cas leans up. “I am in love with you, Dean Winchester.”

“Mind.” He presses a kiss to Dean’s forehead. 

“Body.” This time a kiss on Dean’s cheek and every single one of Dean’s muscles locks up.

“Cas-”

“Soul.” Cas kisses him, presses his lips firmly against Dean’s, and Dean whimpers through his nose. He holds on tight instinctively and lets Cas move against his mouth, slide their lips together in a way that makes Dean’s lower jaw tremble. He tries to catch a breath and Cas somehow presses closer, moves the hand on his collarbone up to the side of his neck, thumb pressing under his ear. 

Deepens the kiss, and Dean is fucking gone. He rips Cas’ hand off his shirt and presses their chests together. Feels Cas’ heart pounding, just as fast as his. Shoves his hand into Cas’ coat and up between his shoulders to hold him close,  _ never let go never let go never let go- _

There’s a clatter as Dean checks what's next to them with his free hand before turning Cas and shoving him against the cabinet. Cas goes willingly, lets Dean move him and Dean knows that he couldn’t fucking budge Cas if he wasn’t willing. But Cas is willing, brings both hands up to cradle Dean’s face and licks into his lips, angling his head just right and leaning up into it.

Dean’s lungs are burning and his blood is pounding in his ears but he can’t stop, can’t stop kissing Cas for a second because if he does then it will be over and he won’t survive that. His free hand goes to Cas’ hip and grabs a belt loop, manhandles Cas close so he’s a hot line on Dean’s front from top to bottom.

Of course Cas doesn’t need air, not really, so he’s still able to coordinate himself enough to rotate them a little again and they knock a lamp off the cabinet without flinching. Dean moans into Cas’ mouth and Cas replies with a rumble, deep in his chest like thunder on the horizon, and it feels like it has a direct line to below Dean’s belt.

That makes Dean pull away, gasping for air and seeing spots while Cas keeps a hold of his face, kissing him across the jaw then up the side to his brow. “Dean, Dean I love you, I love you so-”

“Yeah,” Dean slides his hand up to the back of Cas’ neck and let’s his forehead rest on Cas’. “Me too, fuck, Cas, I love you too. So stupid, I’m so stupid.”

“Shut up.” Cas gets their mouths together and it slows. Dean tastes Cas and it’s like lightning, tingles his tongue as he sweeps it into Cas’ mouth. He sucks on Cas’ bottom lip for a second, trying to catch his breath and Cas slams him into the wall again. 

“Ok, now that that’s cleared up.”

They freeze, Dean’s teeth still gently digging into Cas’ lip and Cas bracing his elbows against Dean’s chest. After a beat the turn to see Jack standing next to the war table like he didn’t just catch them making out frantically. 

“Uh, Jack…” Dean says, and tries to hold onto Cas.

But Cas pushes Dean off of him and for a second he recoils, confused, before he sees Cas has the flask and is holding it out to Jack. “Take it.” Cas’ voice is fucked up, pure gravel and coming from low in his chest. “My grace. Take it. I’m staying. I’m staying with Dean.”

“I know,” Jack takes the flask and unscrews the top. “Omniscience.”

Sam comes through the door and Dean wonders if Jack was with them and Sam was following. He pulls his shirt down just in case, over his groin, and hopes he doesn’t look as debauched as he feels. 

“Damn,” Sam looks away from Dean immediately, so apparently he does. “Cool, you’re welcome Dean. You owe me  _ so much _ .”

“Yeah,” Dean’s voice doesn’t sound too great either so he clears his throat. “Yeah, thanks Sam, you uh. Yeah.”

Cas’ head tilts back and Dean starts forward before he realizes Jack is drawing out his grace. He still clenches his fist, angry that he can’t just have Cas as he is, but it’s too late and he was too slow. 

It’s done though. Cas looks shaky and Sam grabs his arm as Dean comes forward to do the same. “Hey, hey you ok Cas?”

“Nngh,” Cas gets out, and they let him down into a chair as Jack screws the top back onto the flask. 

“I’m pleased,” Jack says, and Dean glances at him. He looks pleased. “I hope everything works out. But I’m going to close the gate now.” 

He half turns, as though to step away, and looks back at them. “Be good.”

Then he’s gone. 


	4. Chapter 4

Despite the fact that Dean hates it, absolutely rails against it, he and Cas tiptoe around each other. Every time Dean tries to screw his courage to the sticking place, Cas looks at him with wide, fearful eyes, and Dean deflates like a punctured balloon.

Sam puts up with it for a few days, distracted with Eileen and their relationship as well as coordinating hunters. But then he catches a stilted silence when he comes into the kitchen for a drink and stops in his tracks. 

“Really?” He looks between them, Dean hovering by the stove and Cas pretending to sort through the cupboards by the door. “Do I have to draw you guys a diagram?”

“Shut up Sam,” Dean grumbles, and does not even for a second hope that Sam magically fixes things for him again. Not at all.

Sam sees it anyway and rolls his eyes. “Cas, how’s life as a human?” He goes to the fridge and pulls out a beer, cracking it and taking a swig.

“It’s much the same as it was before,” Cas answers, and shrugs. “I feel… weak by comparison. But it’s worth it.”

“Oh, good.” Sam throws Dean a snarky look. “I would hate for anyone to invalidate your choices or make you feel like-”

“I’m not invalidating his choices!” Dean counters, shoulders hunching.

“Yeah? So you guys have totally gotten over that whole miscommunication and are staying in Dean's room?”

Dean blushes, top to bottom, and spins to inspect the stovetop. “Sam…”

“It’s not- this isn’t a purely physical relationship, Sam.” Cas’ voice sounds like he’s trying to maintain control. “We aren’t- it’s fine. We’re fine, right Dean?”

Throwing up a thumb, Dean nods at the stove. “Totally! Great. Going great.”

“Cool. Because while I really,  _ really _ don’t want to see that much PDA, so far I’ve only seen you guys hover in the same room as each other.” He starts walking out of the room and Dean turns to glare at his back. “Would suck if all that work was just for awkward glances and pining, right?”

Dean’s mouth works for a second, but when Sam disappears he still doesn’t have a response. He glances at Cas and catches him looking at Dean longingly. “Cas, are… are you ok?”

Cas turns and fiddles with a box of tea. “Yes, Dean. I’m perfectly healthy. Thank you for asking. And you?”

Taking a deep breath, Dean pushes away from the stove and crosses the room. Cas turns at the sound of him coming closer, eyes filling with fear. So Dean stops. “Cas, c’mon.”

“What?” He shifts his weight, eyes flicking down to Dean’s lips and away. “I didn’t- I-”

Dean wishes for a moment he could pray to Cas and instantly tries to squash that though. Viciously. Under his shoe. Human Cas is just  _ Cas _ . Cas with the armor peeled away. 

Ah. Dean moves slower, ducking his chin and letting his eyes soften. Cas’ cheeks flush slightly. “Dean…?”

Well, Dean does feel a little stupid. Again. Maybe he should just expect that then Sam comes to his rescue. 

Also he owes Sam. Maybe his favorite dinner. Maybe he’ll put out some peppermint candles for Eileen. 

Still moving slow, he crowds into Cas, who backs up until he’s against the cabinet. “Cas,” Dean let’s his voice drop. 

If he had known, if anyone ever tried to convince him he would be trying to flirt with Cas after they already confessed mutual love and made out… 

Yeah, there was no way he would have seen this coming. Instead Dean looks down at Cas, who is still flushed, pupils blown wide, and bites his lip. Cas watches and licks his lips.

“Can I kiss you again, Cas?” Dean clicks his tongue. “Cause I gotta tell you, that first one was pretty-”

Cas grabs Dean and cuts him off. “Please,” Cas is just staring at his mouth now. “I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like I’ve lost all control- I keep dreaming about pushing you against the wall but I wasn’t sure if you wanted sex yet or if-”

Dean sighs and covers Cas’ mouth with his own. Cas wastes no time getting his tongue in Dean’s mouth and pulling Dean in by the shoulders. Dean goes, because what the fuck else is he going to do, feeling himself uncoil from the tense uncertainty he’d been carrying since Cas lost his grace.

They make out for a while in the kitchen, Cas’ hands tracing over Dean’s body like he’s mapping him out again, Dean grabbing Cas by the waist and just holding on as tight as he can. 

“I’m never letting you go again, you get that right?” He says while Cas tries to catch his breath. Cas responds by clutching Dean’s arms and pulling him into another kiss.

“I’m not either,” he replies against Dean’s mouth. “Now that I know- now that I can choose- there’s nothing else, Dean, there’s nothing else.”

He’s not making complete sense but Dean bites down the side of his throat and Cas lets out a guttural moan that Dean’s pretty sure will echo down the hall. 

“Dean, please.”

Dean isn’t sure how often he’s heard Cas beg, but maybe he could stand to hear a little more. He sucks a sensitive spot above Cas’ collarbone and Cas’ fingers dig into the meat of his shoulders. In response Dean pushes a hand down to Cas’ ass, grips gently, and grunts.

Apparently Cas likes it because he starts trying to climb Dean like a tree, and Dean realizes the kitchen is no longer an appropriate place for these activities. Especially with how much he already owes Sam.

“Cas, hey.” Dean clears his throat and tries to untangle himself. “I’ve got a great idea.”

“No,” Cas sucks Dean’s lip into his mouth and rakes his teeth over it. “Get back over here.”

“Hah,” Dean pants, tries to focus his eyes. “No really, Cas, you’ll like this. What if-”

He’s cut off when Cas grinds against Dean, a sensual roll of his hips, and Dean’s knees try to buckle. “Dean.” Cas gets a leg up, wrapping it around Dean’s hip and grinding against him again. “Dean please, I don’t…”

Dean slaps a hand against the cabinet behind Cas and tries to catch his breath. “Cas, babe, really, we should go. We should, there’s a bed, we could be on a  _ bed  _ right now Cas.”

Of course Cas tries to lift his other leg, arms looped around Dean’s neck, and Dean has no option but to press Cas into the shelves to hold him up, and damn if it doesn’t feel good. He gets his hands under Cas’ ass to support him and lifts, just enough to be able to brace better, before he pushes his face into Cas’ throat and starts dragging his lips up and down while Cas pulls at his hair, his ears, panting and hot, thick thighs locked around Dean holding them together. 

Things are rapidly getting out of hand. Or, they got out of hand the second Cas kissed him and Dean was just sliding into euphoria and finally noticed. “Dean,” Cas groans. Dean’s hips twitch, push his dick more insistently against Cas’ groin. “Need you.”

Dean takes a deep lungful of Cas, smelling like sweat and spit and their detergent, before he pushes Cas’ hands off of him and sets him down. Cas gives him giant eyes, confused and horny and mouth spit slit and shiny. “Dean?”

But Dean drops another kiss on his lips before grabbing his wrist and turning. “C’mon Cas. Better places for this than the kitchen.”

\---

Dean was right about the bed. Cas doesn’t use his own room after that.

\---

Sam gets back to work, because it’s Sam and when everything turns upside down he tries to find the thread of normal. Except he’s wary of going out to hunt.

When Dean finally emerges from the space between his bedroom and the kitchen after a week, looking entirely too pleased with himself and completely at peace for the first time in his life, he slides into the chair across from Sam and says “Really?”

Sam spares him a glance before going back to his laptop. “Oh good, you’re alive.”

Dean smirks and opens his mouth but Sam holds up his finger. “No, that wasn’t an invitation. Remember that you owe me. A million times over.”

It takes a second for Dean to consider this, eyes hazy and biting his lip, before he acquiesces. “True. So what are you doing?”

“There’s something that might be our gig.” Sam rubs his mouth, frowning. “Bodies drained, tongues cut out. One survivor who, get this, gave a sketch of a mime.”

Dean quirks his head, thinking. “That rings a bell. Didn’t…” he narrows his eyes. “Wasn’t there something in the journal about vamps wearing mime masks?”

Sam hums, eyes flicking over his laptop. “Yeah, I pulled it up, I think dad saw something just like this. I might be able to guess where the nest will go next if they follow the same patterns.”

They both wait, silence descending, neither willing to break it. 

“Well.” Dean sucks his teeth and leans forward. “What do you think?”

“Probably vamps, Dean.”

“No, I mean,” Dean waves a hand. “I mean hunting. Without God backing us up.”

Sam leans back, finally looking away from his computer. He frowns at Dean, considering him. “I honestly thought you would want to get right back out there.”

At that Dean taps the table and looks back as Cas walks in, holding beer and followed by Eileen. “Yeah. I mean. It’s going to be different. Chuck had everything, I mean everything planned out. I guess…”

Cas sets down the beer and takes the chair next to Dean. He lazily runs his hand down Dean’s arm. “A case?”

“Yeah,” Sam leans up as Eileen drops a kiss on his forehead before she sits next to him. “A vamp nest. I’m not feeling confident though.”

“Hmm,” Eileen looks over what he had pulled up. “It definitely looks like vampires to me. Weird vampires, but vamps.”

Dean watches his brother, and they have a silent conversation with their eyes. “I meant hunting without God at our backs.”

Cas looks between Dean and Sam, eyes narrowing. “You doubt your abilities when God doesn’t demand you win?”

“Exactly,” Dean drapes an arm over Cas’ chair, thumb rubbing his back. “I don’t know, I finally have something to live for, you know? I want to help, but…” he chances a look at Cas before dropping his gaze to the beer. “I’ve got a lot to lose now, too.”

It’s pretty out of character, so Sam smiles. “Wow, Dean, you’ve changed.”

“I have.” Dean looks up, and Sam realizes he can practically see the difference. Dean is… older now. “I don’t want it to end bloody. I don’t think it has to. I want…” he glances at Eileen, then Cas, then back at Sam. “I want to make sure it doesn’t actually.”

“Someone has to take out the vamps,” Eileen presses, and slides Sam’s laptop over. “There’s kids missing, guys.”

Cas is watching Dean, eyes soft. “What do you want to do, Dean?”

“Be careful,” Dean grumbles, and leans forward to brace his arms on the table. “Any idea how many?”

“No, not yet. We’ll probably have to scope the area and get a handle on it all.”

Dean lets out a heavy sigh and looks over his family. He doesn’t want to make the call. Doesn't want to be the leader- he never did. Sam’s better at it anyway. But he gets it, why Sam is letting him decide. Why Sam is letting him set the rules. 

Because Sam would be content to be the new Bobby, guiding hunters from the base of operations. Dean was the one who threw himself into hunts, lost himself and risked everything and just assumed there was a way out.

“We can go,” he says hesitantly, “but we gotta be careful. It’s our first hunt off God’s favorite list.”

Eileen smiles, eyes sparkling. “Don’t worry, Cas and I will watch your back.” She snaps the laptop closed and they all head to get ready.

\--

The hunt goes smoothly. 

Dean still feels like he’s on a hair trigger, exposed and trying to keep an eye on Cas, and he suddenly has even more appreciation for other hunters. People who never had backing from God. 

So Dean hates it. They track the vamps to a big barn, and they scuffle frantically. Eileen is the only one moving with her usual confidence, slicing through vamps and watching Sam’s back. Dean doesn’t watch all of the vamps die, too busy trying to keep track of Cas as well as hold his form, cut clean and precise and remove heads without leaving himself exposed.

But they win, and they burn the bodies, and they rescue the kids. Dean feels like he doesn’t exhale until they put the barn in the rearview mirror, Cas’ hand on his shoulder rubbing soothing circles. 

“I don’t know if I can do that again,” Dean says, and it’s so quiet only Sam hears him. 

“Yeah,” Sam rubs his eyes. “It was different, huh?”

Dean watches Cas sleep in the backseat and grits his teeth. He’s being selfish. Incredibly selfish. But he doesn’t want to risk his family any more. 

It tears him up. 

He stalks around the bunker for a week, restless and indecisive. Cooks aggressively, then tries baking and it manages to sooth him a little. He has to focus on ingredients and measurements and set timers. 

Eileen stops him when he’s printing off another recipe for cupcakes. “Dean,” she puts a hand on his arm. “Too many sweets, I’m going to die. Please.”

Cas shrugs when Dean asks him later. “It makes you happy,” he says, and slides a hand up Dean’s thigh. “I want you to be happy.”

“I want you to stay alive,” Dean replies, and Cas stops. 

“Dean?”

Dean kisses Cas, soft and gentle. “I hate myself for being selfish, Cas.”

So Cas drags it out of him. Dean wants to help, but he can’t stand the thought of risking his family, but he can’t stand the thought of abandoning the country to monsters.

“There’s lots of ways to help, Dean.” Cas runs his fingers down Dean’s face, smoothing the lines from his tightened muscles. “And you’ve already done more than any hunter ever will.”

\--

Dean catches Sam in the war room. “Sam, hey, hold up.”

Sam turns, flips his keys in his hand. “What’s up, Dean?”

“I… I want to retire.”

Sam nods like he isn’t surprised. “Ok. What’s your plan?”

It takes a second for Dean to realize Sam isn’t fighting him on this. “I, uh. Washington.”

That makes Sam recoil, frowning. “D.C.?”

“No, jesus. State. The pacific northwest.”

Sam considers it for a second. “That’s really far away, Dean.”

“Ok, maybe not right off the bat, but…” Dean looks down, scrubs a toe across the floor. “There’s a lake. I think… I think Cas would like it.”

“You gonna put a ring on it then?”

And the concept makes Dean choke on his spit.

Somehow, in the month since everything settled, he never even thought of marriage. Marriage to  _ Cas. _

Because first, why would he need to? What would that change? All of their I.D.s are fake. They could be married with six different names. What did it matter?

But then he feels warmth spreading, and he realizes oh,  _ oh, _ he really wanted to marry Cas. He wanted to put a ring on Cas’ finger so Cas knows, every time he looks, that he’s Dean and Dean’s his. They’re together forever. 

Till death did them part and, Dean can’t help but snort, and then ever after too. 

“Shit,” he finally says, and Sam grins. “Yeah, Sam. I am.”

“Alright,” Same jerks his head at the stairwell leading to the front door. “You coming?”

Dean runs to grab his shoes and kiss Cas, telling him he’s on a supply run with Sam, before they peel out with Baby and head to town.

He comes back without the rings, but he picked out a simple design and put down a payment. When he catches Cas coming out of their room, heading towards the sound of groceries being put away, he tackles him right back in and onto the bed.

\---

Dean still owes Sam, so he devotes his time to helping him set up the hunters network. They keep touch with Charlie, who sets up the security and the databases, and Dean is mostly doing something Sam calls ‘data entry’ and Dean calls ‘the time-honored work of a scribe copying manuscripts’ but Cas helps out quite a bit, filling in information gaps and double checking the validity. 

Time passes. Dean likes it, happily mans the phones and does research into the archives. Hunters stop by somewhat frequently, picking up and dropping off supplies and, in general, paying homage.

Dean sits with every one of them, listens to their stories and, when he thinks nobody will notice, transcribes those too into his laptop. 

Cas catches on, drapes his arms around Deans shoulders from behind and reads over his shoulder. “She mentioned that werewolf she ran into in California too.”

“Nah, that was Marie.”

“Mmm,” Cas kisses his cheek. “Marie is further north. Washington to Alaska. She doesn’t venture past Oregon. Sadie saw the werewolf.”

Dean stops in the middle of the sentence he was typing. “Then what was she doing here?”

“I think her mom lives in Oklahoma. She came up to visit us while she was in this part of the states.”

Frowning at his screen, Dean taps over to another tab. “How do you know about her mom?”

“I saw her shadows, Dean. You can help them with the hunt, but I like helping by listening to their lives.”

That makes Dean blink and look at Cas. “Wait, really? She seemed… reserved. Why did she tell you about it?”

Cas pushes Deans fingers away from the keyboard. “You don’t need to record her personal life.”

“I wasn’t going to! I was just looking to see if that’s why she’s a hunter.”

“It’s not.” Cas leans their heads together, tangles his fingers with Dean’s. “Come to bed.”

Dean does.

\--

Sam closes his laptop a few days later, when no other hunters are at the bunker. “Dean.”

“Yep.” Dean doesn’t look up.

“The rings, Dean?”

“Mmhmm.” Keeps typing.

Sam pushes Dean’s screen down, forcing him to stop. “When are you going to ask him?”

Like he’s just realizing Sam was talking to him, Dean looks around. Cas isn’t in sight. “What? What are you- I don’t know Sam, sometime.”

“We’re making good progress with the archives.” Sam spins in his chair idly. “Probably get it done within the next year at this rate.”

It feels like it’s out of left field, so Dean waits, watches Sam.

“Just saying. You could start making plans.”

“You trying to get rid of me?” Dean asks, and it’s jokingly but there’s a part of him that is a little worried. They hadn’t really been apart since Dean dragged him out of college, and he won’t admit it but he’s a little scared of moving across the country from his brother. Leaving him.

“You know I’m not,” Sam replies easily. “Just… making my own plans, I guess.”

Dean instantly leans back in his chair. “Ohhhh Sam Sam Sammy! You have some gossip for me?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Shut up. I just,” he shrugs, “I don’t want to be too far away.”

Taking a deep breath, Dean leans forward. “How do you feel about the Pacific?”

“Yeah,” Sam shrugs lightly. “I could see that.”

“Cool.” Dean smiles and opens his laptop. 


	5. Chapter 5

They take a break, right before summer starts, and Dean packs Baby and takes off with Cas.

It feels like old times. At least, a little. Driving all day, just Dean and Cas and his old tape decks. Road food and clanky gas stations.

But they stop to sight see. Any time Cas points out something interesting, Dean pulls over and they plot a route on their phones and go see what’s what. Cas smiles so much more than he used to.

And he rests his hand on Dean’s thigh, or Dean rests his on Cas’ or along the back of Cas’ neck. 

They don’t sleep in the car. And they don’t get two beds in the hotel room. 

Sam stays in touch, though he and Eileen are planning to take a break when Dean and Cas come back and they want to make sure they set the precedent to leave each other some breathing space. Still, Sam gives Dean a list of hunters he can check in with, and a trunk full of some rarer supplies in case someone is in need. 

It’s not as eventful as Dean was expecting. Without Chuck making their lives interesting and without angels or demons getting in the middle of things, it’s just regular old monsters. Ghosts, vamps, wolves, rougarou. Pretty tame. They do check in with other hunters, stopping by bars and other holdouts, but more and more they hear how things are calming down. 

Chuck inadvertently made so many hunters by having monsters increase activity for the Winchesters sake, that when he’s gone there're actually plenty of hunters around. 

It’s still nice. And Dean takes his laptop and records every story, every hunter's voice finds their way to his little project. 

They pull through Portland and get onto I-5 heading north and Cas leans his head onto Dean’s shoulder. “It’s so green,” he says. “It reminds me of what the Garden might have been like.”

Sam calls not long after they are onto the I-5 corridor proper and tells them to stop off in Centralia. “Solo hunter caught some guff from a nest that is migrating,” he tells them over speaker. “He thinks they came in from east of the mountains, pushing in to try and take the area north of Portland. It’s a growing population I guess, people living further from the city.”

Dean twists his mouth unhappily. “Sam, what other hunters are in the area?” He doesn’t want to walk into a migrating nest in the middle of bumfuck Washington with just Cas and a nobody as backup.

“Marie hasn’t left yet,” Sam says. “She’s coming down to meet you there. Those are her stomping grounds anyway, she’s the one who clued me in. Got a call from an old friend, who I guess isn’t in the network yet.”

Cas puts a hand on Dean’s thigh and Dean covers it with his own. “Alright, we’ll follow her lead. Anyone else?”

“Marie’s got her own backup.”

Dean looks at Cas, who nods. He likes Marie. Dean gives his hand a squeeze. “Alright, we’ll check in when we know more.”

They know more in an hour, parked at the train station next to a beat up pickup. A lanky hunter named Farmer twirls a small knife and nods at them. “Winchesters, I’m a little honored, to tell the truth.”

After introductions and handshakes, Farmer fills them in. Vamps were holed up in an abandoned building a couple miles out of town. Dean nods along as Cas curls up under his arm next to him. 

Cas is watching people walk by, the main street one block over, and stills. Dean’s on alert immediately, glancing over to see what caught his eye.

It’s a couple and their small daughter. They’re steering her away and shooting glares at Cas. At Dean. 

“Really?” Dean growls, and tugs Cas closer. “In Washington?”

Farmer follows their gaze, frowns, and spits. “Sometimes, yeah. This is technically hick territory.”

Marie pulls into the lot not long after, with her stupid electric car. Cas catches Dean’s glower at the thing and elbows him.

“Howdy boys,” she calls the second she’s out of the passenger side. Dean frowns. He could have sworn Cas told him it was Marie’s electric car, but then she pulls out a cane and makes her way to hug Cas, then Farmer. A man, about Dean’s size, gets out of the drivers side and follows Marie, hand on her back when she pulls away from the hugs. 

“This is Nolan, my husband.” They shake hands, but Nolan hugs Farmer. “The rest of my crew will be here soon. 

Dean sees it then. They’re all so… young. At most, late 20s. Marie has a few grey hairs, but none of them have a wrinkle between them. 

He’s looking at the next generation of hunters. Suddenly his throat feels tight and Dean has to look down to gather himself. Farmer asks after Marie, and she’s talking about treatments or something, Dean doesn’t really pay attention. 

Dean backed out of hunting, and now these… fuck they’re barely more than kids! These kids are risking themselves, putting their lives on the line. 

Cas’ hand is cool when it slides over his back, and Dean looks at him. “Hey,” he says, blue eyes sparkling and smiling. “You ok?”

Even though he’s not, Dean puts on a mask and nods. Cas sees it though. Because he knows Dean, watches him pull on the facade and just raises an eyebrow before nodding back. His crows feet are getting longer, deeper, and Dean realizes with a shock that they’re both in their 40s and not getting any younger. 

It feels like yesterday he was one of these kids, running around trying to save people. He grips Cas’ hand, and Cas’ grips back.

“Hey,” Marie gets Dean’s attention and he nods at her. “Fuck the haters. They were shit when I dated a girl years ago, they’re still shit now. They’ll die out like any other annoyance, sooner or later.”

Dean grins.

They plot the hunt in that parking lot after two more cars worth of people show up. Nolan disappears for a bit and comes back with a bunch of sandwiches wrapped in paper. Every once in a while a train rolls by and they watch it go. 

Marie leans over the back of Farmer’s truck, tracing a map she pulls out of a tube. “Building is here, most likely a converted barn. They send out skirmishers, hit nearby towns and homesteads.” She taps the locations. Dean’s at her elbow, nodding along. “Routes through the trees go along here,” she traces some. “This house isn’t safe,” she taps one, “or this one,” and another. 

“Why not?” Dean asks, squinting at her map. It looks like something you’d see in a library, or museum. “Vamps take ‘em?”

“I wish,” she clicks her tongue and leans on her cane. “No, these are some crazy hillbillies. I’ve got a friend that lives here- not a hunter. I told her I like wandering across the countryside, and she helpfully told me which houses had people who would take pot shots from their porch.”

Dean winces. “Yikes. Do you actually-” he bites off the question, glancing at her cane.

“I do. Don’t always need this,” she taps the cane. “But when we have a hunt I try to take it easy.”

“Should be sitting down,” Nolan grundles, and Dean wonders if that’s the first thing he’s heard the man say. 

Marie rolls her eyes. “So, avoid these areas, we can come at the barn this way, should be down wind from them by the time we head out.”

They have it in hand. Dean doesn’t feel the need to add anything. The other hunters talk back and forth easily, but it’s clear that Marie is some kind of leader. 

She does go sit down on the curb after a bit, drinking water and talking with Farmer. Dean watches her for a long moment while Cas makes his way over and sits down with them.

“She’s the mother bear.”

Dean startles and looks at Nolan. He’s got a baseball hat pulled low over his eyes, and he’s watching Marie while leaning on Farmer’s truck. “Keeps track of everyone. Makes sure to keep up with what’s new. Took to your Cas like he was her own.”

“Huh,” Dean leans against Baby. “How long did it take before they figured out the pecking order?”

Nolan considers Dean for a long moment, and Dean nearly bails before he says “She has a hard time letting people take care of her. Carries too much. Cas won though.”

Something clenches Dean’s gut at that. He turns and sees what Cas meant by her shadows. Her eyes glaze a little, face going a little slack as Farmer and Cas talk. Like she’s reliving something. 

“PTSD does that,” Dean says. He hates it. Hates seeing someone so young look like they are carrying that. 

Nolan suddenly pushes off the truck and faces Dean. “Dean, help me talk her out of this.”

“What?”

“You’re the leader here,” Nolan turns away from the others. “She’s in no shape. Not right now.”

A swell of protectiveness threatens to swamp Dean’s mind, and he takes a deep breath. “She’s a big girl, Nolan. And there’s a reason you haven’t convinced her yourself.”

“Yeah,” Nolan looks down. “But you can fix this. You’re  _ Dean Winchester _ . You can make her see reason. Nobody will be on their best if we’re all keeping one eye on her, if we’re all waiting for her to go down. And if she goes down…”

Dean knows that look. Nolan is hard to read but Dean knows that look like the back of his hand. He’s seen it in the mirror too many times not to. “Alright,” he nods and rubs his mouth. “I’ll try.”

Nolan’s shoulders finally drop a little. “Thanks man.”

Cas helps Marie to her feet and she laughs at what he says, patting him on the chest. Farmer smiles at Marie, shakes his head, and heads to the train station. 

“Brain thing,” Nolan offers out of the blue, and Dean stils. “Immune systems running hell on her brain. Treatment’s working, but she’s tired a lot. Losing leg strength. Forgets things sometimes.”

“I’m…” Dean has to swallow. And she’s hunting on top of it. “I’m sorry, man. That’s awful.”

“She’ll still be trying to save people till her body gives out. Till she doesn’t know her own name.” Nolan scuffs a shoe. “Just, don’t let it be today.” Then he walks over and kisses her on the cheek, rubs her back, and Cas comes back over to Dean.

“Dean?”

He’s not sure what his face is doing, so he hides it by rubbing his forehead. “Cas. They’re kids.”

Cas sighs. “They’re coming up on 30, I think. Farmers a few years older.”

“Ok.” Dean looks up at the clear blue sky. “She’s sick.”

“She’s an adult.”

Dean studies Cas. Reads between what he’s saying and what he isn’t. “You don’t like it either.” 

Cas steps closer to Dean, gently puts his face into Dean’s neck. “If I were an angel, I could cure her. I could touch her cheek and she would be healthy again.”

It cuts Dean, deeper than he expected. He knew he caught himself wishing Cas was still an angel, but hearing Cas say it made it worse. “I know,” he replies for lack of anything better to say. 

Jack decided to pull all divine power from Earth. Cas agreed. But now Cas had to see first hand all the people he could have helped and now can’t.

“You ever think about Sister Jo?” Dean asks, and Cas pulls back.

“Anael.” Cas watches the hunters gather back up and talk amongst themselves. “She sold her abilities. Betrayed you.”

Dean considers Marie, leaning into Nolan and smiling at her friends. “You think she made a difference?”

It takes a second for Cas to reply, but Dean doesn’t look at him. “Everyone makes a difference, Dean.”

Nolan arranges things so Marie and Dean are going over weapons together, subtly herding the others away. 

“What’s up?” Marie asks, sharpening a large knife. Dean attempts surprise.

“What?”

She doesn’t buy it. “Nolan isn’t subtle, and I’ve got spidey senses. Why’s he got us alone?”

Dean takes a moment to make sure his own knife is clean, sharp.

“Dean, c’mon. I’m coming with you guys.”

“Well shit, Marie, sounds like you know why he’s doing it.”

Her face sours. “I’m not an invalid. I put this together. I don’t need to be babied.”

Dean finally puts his knife down and meets her gaze. Her chin is up and her eyes are hard. “Marie, lemme tell you something. You know Cas was an angel?”

She nods. 

“He’s not now.”

She waits. 

“First hunt out, after he lost his grace? I was a mess. Nearly got killed because I was trying to pay attention to him over the fight. I couldn’t help it.”

Her eyes slide to Nolan, who quickly looks away. “Dean-”

“It’s not that you aren’t capable. But hunting only ends two ways. You know that, right?”

She grits her teeth. “I’m not a maiden who’s going to wait around for my man to get killed on his own.”

“You’re not listening,” Dean can see his own stubbornness in her and it makes him want to shake her.  _ Don’t make my mistakes _ . “You’re more useful alive than dead.”

Marie studies him for a long moment, then looks at her crew. They’re huddled together and Cas is talking to them, but they are stealing glances at Dean and Marie without much subtlety.

“They need me,” she whispers finally. “If I’m not there to watch out for them-”

“They need you alive.” Dean bites the bullet and reaches out to put a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes start to well up. “C’mon, don’t break their hearts.”

“I’m not-” she shakes her head. “I’m not good at stepping back, Dean. How did you do it?” She rubs an eye and the tears start tracking down her cheeks. “How could you let go?”

“I had other stuff to live for, other ways to help.” It’s fitting, he figures.  _ Of course I have to convince someone to do the thing I barely could. _ “Sam could use you as a dispatcher. You’ve got that mother bear instinct apparently.”

Satisfied he’s convinced her, Dean leans back. “I’m thinking about moving up here, you know.”

Marie frowns at him. “Centralia?”

Dean bursts into laughter, and Marie smiles along. “Washington. Maybe you can help me out with that? We can set up a hunter hotspot.”

“You’re too charming Dean Winchester,” she says, and picks up another knife. “Alright. As long as I get to see more of Cas.”

They all round up, and Dean puts a hand on Cas’ arm when everyone piles into their cars. There’s a clearing they can drive to before they have to approach on foot. “Cas, can you-”

“You aren’t benching me, Dean.”

Dean nods and looks down. “Ok. Fine. No benching. How about babysitting?”

Cas bristles so hard Dean can practically see where his wings would be fluffing up. “Dean how can you ask me to do that?”

“Because I’m worried about Marie.”

That makes Cas settle a bit. “She agreed to stay back.”

“I know. But we’re bringing her with us to the car drop. If something holds us up, if it gets dark…”

Cas frowns. “I don’t like it.”

“That makes two of us. I don’t want us to split up, but you know as well as I do that things can go wrong, vamps can get up early and use cover to move. I’m just saying,” and Dean loads into Baby. Cas waits a second before circling the car and getting in.

“Fine. But only because I’ll be worried about her too.”

There’s still several hours of daylight when they reach where they’re going to park. Marie pulls out jars and ingredients and sets about sprinkling a mixture over them all. “Don’t hide it,” she says when she sprinkles some over Dean and he frowns. “You’re glad you have a steady source of trillium, aren’t you?”

The hunters and Dean head out, snaking along the edge of property lines single file. Dean pauses as they are about to cut through some forest, turning back. It’s the first time he and Cas have split up since he became human. Cas holds up a hand. Dean returns the gesture, and turns to follow the others.

They were right, and Marie’s planning was meticulous and accurate. There’s a dozen vamps in the structure along with a few dead bodies, cattle, and pigs. Dean feels the rush of adrenaline as they get the drop of the vamps, fighting and cutting his way through them. At one point he has a moment to breathe and he looks for Nolan, his partner, only to see him get pushed into a wall hard and go down with a spray of blood. 

Dean sprints over and tackles the vampire, heart pounding. It’s harder to wrestle the vamp than he remembered, like maybe he’s losing his touch, but another hunter pushes him clear and she neatly beheads the vamp. Dean scrambles to his feet, locate’s Nolan in the hay next to a dead cow, and skids to his side.

“Hey! Hey, buddy, c’mon.”

Nolan’s side is bleeding sluggishly and he’s pale. “We get ‘em?”

“Yeah buddy,” Dean looks around and the barn is calm, just the sound of a half dozen hunters panting and the stink of dead animals. “We got ‘em, hold tight and we’ll get you out.”

“Marie didn’t follow us did she?”

Dean looks back, through the door they came in, and Farmer darts out. He comes back a second later. “Nah, no sign of her or Cas.”

“Good,” Nolan grimaces and Dean gets handed some bandages out of someone’s backpack. Someone else puts a bottle of water in Nolans face. 

Working carefully, Dean cuts away Nolan’s sweatshirt- “Aw come on, this one’s from college, you can’t get it any more!”- and evaluates the damage. 

A jagged cut, a deep puncture, and bits of old wood. Dean splashes it with alcohol and pushes. “How’s the breathing Nolan?”

“Stinks in here man.”

No bubbles come up so Dean grabs some gauze and wipes away the blood before applying pressure and jerking his head at the hunter next to him. “Tape it up?”

She does, quick and efficient. “Gonna have to clean it up when we get back, Marie will probably want to put stitches in.”

“Sure,” Dean stands and takes in the current status. The hunters are pulling out materials to start a fire, discussing how much rain they’ve had and whether it’s worth it to try and burn the barn.

Turning to offer Nolan a hand, Dean scowls. “You got damn lucky,” he growls, and hands Nolan his knife.

“Rather be lucky than good, right?” 

Dean shakes his head. “Everyone always says that till the luck runs out.”

The hunters pile the bodies closer together inside the place and set fire to them. Dean lets Nolan lean on him as they make their way to the trees to watch the fire take. 

“We gotta go,” the hunter who handled the tape (Riley? Rena?) tugs on Dean’s sleeve. “There’s no way the fire will hide the missing heads, but the barn might come down and cover our tracks.”

It’s slower coming out, letting Nolan rest and making sure he didn’t hit anything vital. He doesn’t get any more pale, but he also doesn’t get his color back, so Dean takes most of his weight and thinks about a long night of sleep next to Cas. 

A thought strikes Dean as they near where they left Cas and Marie, and he slows. 

“Dean?”

“You didn’t get any blood in your mouth, did you?”

He should have asked sooner, he  _ knows better _ , he should have asked sooner-

The other hunters spin, eyes wide and looking at Nolan. 

“No, no I didn’t.” Nolan braces himself and looks Dean in the eye. “Hand to God, I went face down. No blood. No fangs.”

Everyone watches Dean, waits for his call. He hesitates, looking Nolan over. There’s no telling how long it could take someone to change, and he hates the idea that he could send Nolan and Marie home and he’d turn.

“Dean,” Nolan shakes his head. “I’d die before I brought it home.”

Slowly Dean folds, hoisting Nolan’s arm over his shoulder and nodding to the other hunters as well. They all look a little shaken, and they stay that way as they make their way out of the trees and to the cars.

“Nolan!”

Marie struggles to her feet from where she and Cas were sitting between the cars. Cas pushes up and helps her, and they move to intercept Dean. 

“Nolan! Babe what happened, are you ok? Oh shit-” she wraps her arms around Nolan and takes some of his weight. 

“Angel eyes,” Nolan murmurs, and buries his face in her hair. Dean raises his eyes at Cas over their heads and Cas smiles, shrugs.

The other hunters slump among the cars. The sun starts to kiss the horizon, and the sky is a wash of colors. They lift Nolan into the back of Farmer’s truck and Marie pushes him onto his back before ripping off Dean’s makeshift bandage.

“You didn’t puncture the thoracic cavity so good job,” she tells him, and Nolan grabs her hand and kisses it. 

“You know I try my best.”

She does end up wanting to stitch him up, and Nolan flinches. “Remember when you were squeamish, babe?” Marie says conversationally, and Nolan snorts.

“I remember when you cut your finger and I nearly barfed.”

Marie shakes her head and pulls the suture through. “Ah, highschool. You’ve come so far.”

“We’re all really proud of you,” Farmer adds, and Nolan makes to punch his friend. 

Cas kisses Dean, slow and gentle, and he breathes Cas in. “Hey. All good while we were gone?”

“All quiet ‘round the stables,” Cas rumbles, and Dean grins. “Kept the ponies calm till y’all got back from the O.K. Corral.”

Dean is still smiling when he kisses Cas again, and they turn to watch Marie tie off her work and wipe Nolan’s side down.

“C’mon,” she helps Nolan upright, pushing water into his hand. “Drink up. I’ll drive us back home. We can be there before 9 if we leave soon.”

The rest of the hunters circle up, hugging each other and generally showing affection. Dean watches them all a little curiously.

“Don’t you guys want to go grab a drink, celebrate?” he asks, and they turn to him.

“Sure,” Marie shrugs. “But not here. Probably look suspicious if we all pile into one of the three bars in town and make a scene while a barn burns down.”

That tracks. Cas gets the address to their standard watering hole while Dean calls Sam.

“Dean, you have good news for me?”

Dean turns, watches the hunters peel out of their fighting gear and store it away. Cas is talking to Nolan and Marie, who are lingering as well as the other hunters slowly take off.

“Yeah, we got ‘em. I think we ended up dropping a barn on them too, depends on how out of hand the fire got. I think Farmer is going to check back to make sure everything’s fine.”

“Great. We lose anyone?”

“No, thank fuck. Sam,” he turns away from where Cas is laughing, head thrown back. “Sam, they’re practically  _ kids _ .”

He hears Sam shift over the line. “Marie’s like, almost 30 right?”

Dean rolls his eyes. “You sound like Cas. They’re kids, Sam. I can’t…” he trails off and watches the sun slip lower, the sky warming into pinks and reds. “They’re fucking kids.” His voice gets lighter, pleading.

“I know, Dean. I hate it too.” 

He takes a shuddering breath. “I almost lost one,” he admits finally. “Got tossed by a vamp, and I was supposed to have his back.”

“He’s ok though?”

“Yeah, stitched up and laughing with Cas right now. But. He’s Marie’s.” Dean chews on whether or not he should tell Sam. “She’s sick, Sammy.” 

He never calls him Sammy anymore. “Dean…”

“Cas is torn up he can’t heal her. It’s slow, too. One of the slow ones. Eating her away.”

There’s a static sound, like Sam move’s the phone away from his face so Dean waits. “Shit. She’s a good one.”

“And I almost lost her partner. Sam, we gotta do something.”

“I thought we were.”

Even though Sam can’t see him, Dean nods. “I guess we are. But. I had to talk her out of coming with us. She can’t sit still. We could use her.”

Sam hums. “Alright. That tracks.”

“Tell me…” Dean has to breathe for a second. 

“Dean?”

“Tell me it’s getting better, Sam.”

“It is. Fewer and fewer reports of monsters. Vampires are almost completely gone. Mostly just ghosts these days.”

“Good. Thanks. Thanks Sam.”

“Get some rest.”

Dean hangs up and lopes over to where Cas is leaned against Baby, watching him. Marie has Nolan in the car and is circling to the driver side. “All good?” she asks Dean, and he nods. 

“All good. We’ll see you there.”

The drive gives Dean time to unwind, aided by the slow movement of Cas’ thumb along his shoulder.

“You took to them fast.”

Dean shifts. “Marie reminds me of myself a bit.”

Cas hums and nods. “That’s probably why I like her so much.”

That gets an eyeroll out of Dean. They watch the sky get darker and listen to the mixtape Dean made for Cas.

“Cas, what do you wanna do when we finish the archive?”

He tilts his head, considers the question. “Long term or short term?”

“Both.”

Another mile skips by before Cas finally answers. “Well, I want to stay with you.”

Dean shoots a hand out and grabs Cas’ knee without looking. “That was an assumed given, Cas. Jesus.”

Laughing, Cas covers his hand. “Ok, well. I want to be with you. And…” Dean steals a look at Cas. 

He’s lit sporadically by the passing lights on the highway. His hair is getting a little long. Dean makes a note that he probably could use a haircut too. The lights glint in his eyes, his mouth twisting as he tries to form words.

“I want to help people, Dean.”

“Yeah,” Dean squeezes Cas’ knee. “Tell me something I didn’t know, Cas.”

“Fine. I don’t know if I want to live in the bunker forever.”

Cas withdraws a bit, like he isn’t sure he wanted to reveal that. Dean lifts Cas’ hand to his lips and brushes a kiss across his knuckles. 

“Me either.”

They watch a few more mile markers go by, the silence comfortable.

“I want a garden.” Cas says.

“Sounds good.”

A casino goes by. 

“And maybe a pet.”

“Of course.”

Cas finally turns to him. “Are you just going to agree with everything I ask for?”

Dean shrugs. “How much further?”

Scowling, Cas taps his phone. “About an hour, depending on traffic. Dean, are you going to say yes to everything I ask for?”

“Well, what kinda pet are we talking?” Dean lets his fingers drum the steering wheel and watches a sports car pass them. “I’m not sure I really want a bird, if we’re being honest.”

“A dog,” Cas says. “Or a cat.”

Dean frowns. “Cat?”

“I have a feeling you would be a cat person if you owned one. They’re very affectionate, but self-sufficient.”

“Yeah but,” Dean glances at Cas. “Cat litter?”

“I thought you didn’t like dogs?”

Dean shrugs. “Point.”

They lapse back into silence. Dean finds he’s smiling, thinking about a house and Cas in a garden. 

“What are you planning?”

Dean tries to hide his grin. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Liar.” Cas leans over and kisses behind his ear and Dean shivers. “You’re up to something.”

“Nope, not me.” 

Marie’s watering hole, it turns out, is a tiny bar with a view of the Sound in Seattle. Dean parks Baby very carefully a few blocks away and grumbles about crowded cities without proper parking the whole way to the bar.

But the others are on the roof, and Dean can see the lights of the city proper. It’s too late to enjoy the view of the water, and cold enough for jackets, but he and Cas cuddle up and they aren’t the only ones. 

They stay up too late but don’t drink too much, and neither do the younger folks. Marie tracks everyone with hawk-like eyes and hands out car keys at the end of the night to designated drivers. She and Nolan follow Dean and Cas down to the street.

“This was awesome,” Dean tells her, hand tucked into Cas’ back pocket. “You’ve got good people here.”

“Thanks,” she winks. “Yours aren’t too bad either.”

“Where are you crashing tonight?” Nolan asks, and Dean and Cas share a look.

“A hotel closer to the highway. We’re going to head a little further north before turning back.” Cas answers.

“Well let me know when you head back through,” Marie says. “We live outside the city proper, but we can come back in for dinner.”

They’re in their hotel rooms when Dean stops. “Oh.”

Cas moves around him, toothbrush in his mouth. “What?”

Dean puts his hands on his hips, a little stumped. “We have friends.”

The look on Cas’ face reminds Dean of when he was an angel. Like he refuses to believe Dean is as stupid as he’s acting. “Yes. We do.”

“Like,” Dean shakes his head and pulls his shirt off. “Like good people. Who we could have dinner with. Who we would enjoy non-hunter activities with.”

“If you’re asking if they’ll swing with us, my answer is no.”

Dean freezes, then laughs. “Cas, c’mon. I’m serious.”

“Me too.” Cas flips back the covers of the bedsheets and settles in. “Of course we have friends, Dean. We have a lot of them. Donna and Jody. Garth.”

“Ok.” Dean follows Cas into bed. “Ok fine, we have friends.”

“Why are you so surprised?”

It takes a second for Dean to pin it down. “They just… they aren't dying. They aren’t getting threatened because of us. It feels more… permanent.”

Cas hums and curls up next to Dean. “Good.”


	6. Chapter 6

Cas asks if they can stop for something called ‘piroshki’ as they sit and drink their second cup of coffee at a tiny cafe. Dean rolls his eyes but tells Cas to pull up the address and Cas smiles down at his phone. 

Dean still doesn’t like the city, not as much as he likes being  _ outside _ the city, but it has its charm. There’s too damn much traffic of course, even early in the morning, but Cas is sharing some of what he and Marie had talked about so the time passes. 

It turns out piroshki are some kind of bread with various savory filling. Cas has one sweet kind with some kind of almond-y flavor in it, but Dean shoves it away after one taste and digs out another of the breakfast flavored ones. He gets into a faux slap fight with Cas over it for a minute before Cas reveals he got several savory ones and spare breakfast filled for Dean. 

“They reheat well,” he explains with a shrug, and Dean grins around his mouthful. “I’ll make sure to wrap them up before we stow them in the cooler. No pastry flakes in Baby.”

Dean gets pieces of piroshki all over both of them when he leans over and kisses Cas. 

The traffic clears once they get out of the city. Cas hums along to the music, something he had picked up on his phone and was playing on a little speaker. The weather holds so they enjoy the drive for a few hours before pulling off the road to stretch.

Cas is frowning at his phone when Dean comes back from the bathroom. “Problem?”

“No,” Cas tilts his head and squints. “Just trying to decide if there’s a reason to keep going much further north. Only one more town of any size before we reach the border-” he turns to Dean. “Are we crossing the border? I think I packed my passport, but I’ll have to double check.”

Dean hums and draws it out as he leans next to Cas. “Nah, probably don’t want to deal with that. We could head back south but stop off at the Mount Rainier park instead of cutting straight back down the highway.”

A truck drives by, noisy and distracting. When it’s gone Cas closes his eyes and tilts his head back. “Yes, I think the flowers will be in bloom soon. It should be beautiful up there.”

He looks good, Dean notices. He always looks good, but there’s a peacefulness about him now. Dean studies Cas as long as he can before he gets caught.

“Dean?”

“You’re doing better. It’s… good.”

Cas tilts his head again. “I’m fine, Dean. I’ve been fine.”

“Yeah but,” Dean shrugs and looks away. “We’ve never had- at least, you’ve never had a moment to breath. Since I’ve met you. It’s… it’s good to see.”

Cas considers that for a moment, phone forgotten. “I suppose you’re right. It definitely took some getting used to. Not having chaos woven into my existence.”

Dean nudges Cas with an elbow. “Not having to save my ass every two seconds.”

“You were pretty insistent about getting yourself killed. It was annoying.”

“At the end of the day though,” Dean tries to veer the conversation from going down the wrong memory lane. “We always came back together.”

That makes Cas blink at him. “Of course. Even Chuck couldn’t stop it. I was always going to be by your side.”

Damn if that doesn’t make Dean want to drop to his knee right there in the rest stop parking lot, smelling like hand sanitizer with two truck drivers smoking some 30 feet away. He has to swallow and shake his head before he trusts himself enough to kiss Cas chastly, a quick slide of lips together before he pulls back. “Yeah. I think Chuck was doomed the minute you said we were making it up as we went. Poor bastard really thought he could get between two idiots as stubborn as we are?”

“He never had full control over you.” Cas threads a few fingers into Dean’s hair. “Your free will has always been beautiful.”

Dean decides the truckers might as well have a bit of a show and pushes Cas a little more firmly against Baby, kissing him with intention.

Cas laughs when they break apart, a short and quiet laughter that he tries to hide. Dean catches his chin, turns him back. “What’s so funny?”

“I don’t understand anything anymore.” Cas says, but he’s smiling. “I know for a fact that there is no plan, that I will be surprised by whatever comes next. But it doesn’t matter to me. Anymore.”

He’s got the sappiest look in his face as he smiles wryly and puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

“As long as I’m by your side. It doesn’t matter.”

\--

There’s a B&B further north that they decide to stay at, drawing out their return just another day. Dean can’t help it. When Cas says that romantic shit he turns into a puddle of mush. 

It’s all so serious with Cas. He delivers such intense devotion with such sincerity that Dean sometimes has to take a step back and tell himself it’s real. Cas usually reels him back in though and reminds him that Cas is part of Team Free Will and he Freely Wills to keep Dean in bed until midmorning.

They get coffee (not as good as the cafe, Dean admits) and warm up the piroshki before standing in front of Baby.

“Last chance,” Dean says, twirling the keys around his finger. “Speak now or it’s homeward bound we go.”

Cas looks around, blinking in the slightly overcast day. “Might rain soon,” he says, and looks at Dean. “But I think it’s time to head back.”

It does start raining. Slowly at first, just a light misting. The morning fog never quite burns off, and then the world is bleeding color as the clouds come down to meet the earth.

“Could you live here?” Cas asks, and Dean slides his eyes so he can subtly look Cas over. “In the rain. The grey. It seems like something dangerous could be lurking around the edges.” He turns and looks at Dean. 

“Thing is,” Dean shifts in his seat, “we know things  _ are  _ lurking around the edges. But it’s like that everywhere. And it isn’t just monsters.” He tries to sound casual, like the idea was just occurring to him. “I guess I could live just about anywhere, if you’re with me. If Sam’s not too far.”

Cas looks back out the window, watches the water droplets for a little while. The music is quieter today, like Cas doesn’t want to pop the feeling of being in a little bubble. Dean shoots a couple of glances at Cas, trying to get a read on where his mind is going. But also because he’s pulled out a blanket and wrapped himself in it, despite the fact that the heater works fine. 

On impulse Dean sneaks out his phone without looking and opens the camera. The sound of the shutter makes Cas turn with a question on his face.

“You look like you were made for this,” Dean says in explanation, shoving his phone back in his pocket. “Something about your eyes.”

Cas narrows his eyes at Dean, who doesn’t have to look to know he’s getting another patented Cas Scowl. 

The rain picks up, but not so bad that Dean can’t see the road clearly. The sound of droplets hitting Baby drowns out the music though. Cas reaches for his phone but pauses it instead of turning the music up. 

“Dean.”

Dean nods. “Yeah Cas?”

“What do you want to do when the archive is finished?”

When Dean looks over again, Cas is turned so he’s leaning against the door and is watching Dean. The blanket is pushed down so his arms are free. It’s a stupidly soft plush thing that Cas picked up when they stopped for supplies on the road. Grey on the outside, some kind of fluffy stuff on the inside. Water streaks behind Cas’ head, rivulets shifting in the wind. 

“I want to stay with you,” Dean says and has to force himself to keep his attention on the road. 

“And?”

Dean shrugs. “Dunno Cas. Find a place where you can have a garden. Probably a big garage, so I can take care of Baby. A yard, to hold some get-togethers.”

“Don’t you want to stay with Sam? At the bunker?” Cas lifts his own phone, but Dean doesn’t hear the camera shutter. “I don’t want you to be miserable just to-”

“I like it here,” Dean cuts him off and shoots him a smirk. “I’ll admit I like it more because you do. But the ocean’s nice, the people are kind of assholes in the city but we have friends here. Lots of coffee options.”

Cas doesn’t say anything for a minute, going about as still as he used to when he was an angel. Dean risks another glance to see Cas deep in thought. “So… maybe we could find a place here?”

Dean clicks his tongue. “Sure sounds like a plan to me.” Inside, he grins and thinks about the email Marie sent him with a few options she had scoped out when buying her own place. Options with a yard, and a garage. Outside the city. 

\--

They’re nearing the edge of the city when Cas’ phone goes off. Dean hums a question. “Sam?”

“No, I don’t know this number.” Cas lets it ring again. 

“Might as well see who it is,” Dean says. “Could be spam though.”

Cas sighs and answers. “Hello?”

Dean can’t hear what’s being said over the rain, and he can’t watch Cas for a sign, so he has to wait. 

“No, we’re- send me the address. Just-” Cas reaches out and touches Dean’s arm, and Dean feels the hair on his neck stand up. “Did you contact the police? What about Sam?”

It’s suddenly very hard to keep his eyes on the road, so Dean keeps an eye out for the next exit. 

“No, don’t. Let me make a call. We’re coming to you, just stay put. Do not- Nolan, I mean it. Do not. Leave.”

Cas hangs up and Dean reaches for him. “Nolan? Marie?”

Their fingers tangle as Cas taps away at his phone. “Nolan, I didn’t have his number. He just got back from work and Marie is gone. Taken.”

Cold washes over Dean. “What does he have?”

“He’s in a panic, Dean. He called up the rest of their friends, but some of them are working. We’re lucky we were heading back through.”

“Ok but what does he have?” Dean tries not to slam on the gas. “Blood, a sign, a note? Scratches, did they kick the door in? Could it be something mundane like a robbery?”

Cas shakes his head and holds the phone to his ear again. “I’m calling Sam.”

“Ask him if we ever got any more numbers on the vampires.” Dean grips the wheel a little tighter. “Ask him if Farmer checked in.”

“Sam something’s wrong,” Cas takes a breath and rubs his forehead “I just got a call from Nolan- Marie’s husband. Yeah. We’re coming into the city now. He said he just got home and Marie was taken.”

Dean would be willing to bet Sam asks most of the same questions he did.

“He said there was blood but not a ton. They had a hidden knife in the front room and it’s missing. Door was busted in. Car’s still there. Someone carved ‘revenge’ into a table.”

Dean taps Cas and gestures to his eyes, then the passing exit sign. Cas shakes his head and gestures him on. “He got a hold of a few, said two could come by and help, but that’s low numbers. Most are working and can’t get away. But she’s the only one missing.”

Another pause.

“Yes, I’m afraid of the same thing. We didn’t see anything while we were waiting for the others, but that doesn’t mean something didn’t see us.”

“Farmer,” Dean presses. 

Cas nods. “Did Farmer check in with you yesterday?”

Whatever Sam says isn’t promising, apparently. “Ok. Can we get someone from further south? Who all do we have in the area?”

Dean drives, more frustrated by the rain now because everyone is slowed down for it. Cas continues to talk things through with Sam and Dean feels himself tensing further with every passing minute. 

Finally Cas hangs up and tells Dean which exit to take. According to him, Sam doesn’t have a lot of other contacts in the area currently. He also didn’t hear from Farmer but wasn’t going to kick up a fuss yet. 

Directions take them back out the city, a little more east, and into an area where the houses have actual yards. Then an area where the houses are set so far from the road you can’t hardly see them from the street. They barely spot the right turn through the rain, but Dean eases Baby onto the driveway and they see two more cars pulled off hastily next to a house with the front door hanging off its hinges. 

Cas is out of the car before Dean finishes putting it in park, pulling on his coat and dashing up to the entryway. Nolan meets him there as Dean jogs to catch up. 

“-found at the edge of the property five minutes ago,” Nolan is saying, and points to what looks like an entire leg.

Dean turns and jogs back out to Baby, pulls open the back, and grabs a few knives big enough for vampires. He scans the surrounding area but Cas was right- with this weather it’s too hard to see what’s coming. 

When he comes back up to the porch Cas has a hand on Nolan’s shoulder and is talking to him. The leg- which looks like it came from a cow, thank fuck- is sitting on a towel just inside the front door. Two hunters are in the house with them, one on the phone and one on a computer. 

“Security feed picked them up,” the guy at the computer says, and turns the laptop to the room. “Just a couple of hours ago.”

Cas pushes Nolan back, and Dean agrees. He doesn’t need to see this. But Dean doesn’t argue when Nolan shoves his way over and kneels in front of the computer. 

They watch the angle on the front porch as suddenly, supernaturally fast, there are three people at the door. One kicks at it, hard. It barely shifts. Dean turns to look at the door again with new eyes and notices the heavy lockes and reinforcements on it. 

The vampires manage to kick it in though, and then they’re in the house and out of sight. “No cameras in the house,” Nolan mutters, and his hand hovers over the keyboard. “How long till they-”

Marie is suddenly coming into frame. She skids through the door and onto the porch, knife in hand, and rolls to her feet. Her mouth moves like she’s saying something and then a blur catches her around the middle and they go back out of frame. 

Nolan taps a key and it switches to a view of the front yard. Marie is rolling, trying to get away from the vampire that tackled her, but the other two show up and circle her. Nolan clenches his fist and trembles. She puts up a fight but it’s clear they’re toying with her. Even the best hunter would be hard pressed to fend off three vampires. Dean would know. 

Finally one of the vamps hits her across the face, fist a blur. One strike and she goes down, limp. Nolan grunts and grabs the table, knuckles white. Now that she’s unconscious the three talk for a moment. They point at the house, then out towards the road. Marie is lying prone in the rain. 

“Is she…” Nolan sounds like he’s talking through his teeth. “Can we tell if she’s…”

Cas kneels next to him and peers at the recording. “It’s hard to tell. The definition is there, but the way she fell makes it hard to see.”

“If she was dead why take her?” Dean points out. “She’s alive. She could take a hit like that.”

“You don’t know that,” Nolan growls. The vampires on the feed seem to have come to a decision and one picks up Marie. They dart out of frame, to the left. 

Dean goes to the porch again and looks around. The rain has made most of the front yard flattened, but he can see a bit of where the fight went down. Turning he can just see the edge of the yard, where a wooden fence marks the edge of the property, through the fog. 

The hunter who worked the computer- Jake, Dean’s mind supplies helpfully, comes out. He’s not as tall as Dean or Nolan, more slender, with a mop of dark wet curls on his head. “She’s gotta be ok, man,” he says and stands next to Dean. “Like you said- why take her if she was…”

“Do you know what’s that way?” Dean points in the direction the vampires went. Jake shakes his head.

“Not much. Marie trekked all over the place when they moved here. They only own what’s fenced in. I don’t think the next house is very close. There’s a little hill that way though.” Jake runs his hands through his hair. “Maybe I can track her watch, if she was wearing it, was she wearing a watch?”

Dean shrugs. “Didn’t notice. Worth a try though.” Then he steps off the porch toward the fence. 

“Hey, whoa,” Jake follows. “Dude, you saw that they- they literally  _ just _ threw a dead cow leg at us. They could come snatch you up. Don’t be an idiot.”

“Dean?”

They look back at Cas, who is frowning from the front door. 

“... Are you about to do something stupid?”

Dean tosses him a knife. “Not if you come with me.” Cas catches the knife but doesn’t move to follow.

“Visibility is bad, and we don’t know the lay of the land.” Cas looks out into the fog in the directions the vampires went. “We also don’t know their motive.”

There’s movement in the house and the other hunter, Rena, comes out onto the porch holding the cow leg. “Hey, check this out.”

She’d cleaned it off, though there wasn’t much blood. Just mud. Cas leans in and inspects it as she holds it out. A second later Nolan comes out as well and Dean offers him a blade. 

Nolan takes it and does a few stretches, eyes hard. “Hey,” Dean dips his head. “We’re gonna figure it out, man. Don’t lose your head.”

“Yeah,” Nolan nods and cracks his neck. “Sure.”

“I’m serious.” Dean glances at where Rena and Cas are talking to each other. “I’ll bench you if you’re a risk. Nothing is going to get in the way of getting one of ours back. Not even you.”

For a second Dean thinks Nolan is going to strike him. He puffs up and clenches his fist, eyes going a little wild. Then deflates and looks away just as quick. “Yeah, alright,” he mutters. “Just… I’m fine.”

“Revenge is a good motive,” Cas motions for them to come back onto the porch, out of the rain. They cluster around the cow leg. “Desperation might be more accurate though.”

Rena points, and Dean sees the teeth marks quickly. “They were eating this,” she says, “drained it and were chewing on it. Nasty business.”

“Yeah uh,” Dean points at the more interesting markings. “You didn’t mention they asked for me by name.”

There, in the desiccated muscle, is his name.  _ Winchester.  _

“Looks like claw,” Cas points out, as if this wasn’t a huge problem. “Likely done after they finished with it.”

Jake shakes his head and turns away. “Couldn’t just use paper, fucking vamps.”

Dean faces off with Nolan, who still looks pretty close to the end of his rope. “Any other messages you wanna mention?”

They all turn. Nolan shakes his head. “That’s the only one.”

“Other than,” Dean gestures to the table, where the laptop still sits. The footage is paused with Marie sprawled in the yard. Just behind the computer the word  _ REVENGE  _ is carved into the wood. 

Nolan’s jaw works. “Yeah.”

Rena and Jake share a glance. Cas moves to hover by Dean’s elbow.

“Alright,” Dean spreads his hands wide and sheaths his knife. “Let’s have it. We got a problem?”

“Nope.” Nolan doesn’t set the knife aside, just stands. Looming. In the doorway. 

“Nolan,” Jake’s voice is a little shaky but he steps forward. “Dude, seriously. If there’s anything else- we can’t figure out where they took her if you don’t tell us everything.”

“I’m not hiding shit.” Nolan doesn’t take his eyes off Dean. “Vamps. Marie’s gone. I don’t know where. The end.”

He’s big. Dean knew that, sized him up the second he got out of his car at the train station. As tall as Dean, just as wide. And his partner is taken by vampires. Judging by how Marie’s crew is acting, Dean would be willing to bet he’s not as much of a team player as Marie. 

“If it was me,” Dean looked at Cas, “if Cas got taken, and someone threw a piece of meat onto my yard with your name on it?” Cas dips his chin and frowns at Dean. Warning. “Well, let’s just say there would be a lot more shouting.”

“You keep doubting me,” Nolan says, and shifts slightly. “You thought I would lie about getting turned, and now you think I’d slow down finding Marie? Why?”

Dean surges forward, bringing up a hand to shove a finger into Nolan’s chest. “Because I know you love her,” Dean growls. “But you’re acting like you’re just waiting. I want to know what for.”

Nolan snaps then, shoves Dean back but closes again to grab him while he’s on his back foot. Cas goes to grab for them. “Don’t push me, Winchester.” Nolan growls and pushes away from Dean. “I’m this close to losing my cool. Don’t fucking test me. If you’ve got a plan let’s hear it. Otherwise-”

“Otherwise what?” Dean rallies and follows Nolan. “I’m here for you and your people. I don’t have to be. If you want us gone say the word.”

“Dean,” Cas manages to get a hand on Dean’s shoulder and pulls him back. “Nolan isn’t the problem. The vampires are.”

There’s a long, tense silence as Dean and Nolan stare each other down. Surprisingly it’s Jake who ends up breaking the stalemate. “Marie probably has a map of the area,” he says, and moves further into the house. “Don’t kill each other till we get her back at least.”

Nolan frowns and looks away before following after Jake. “If she does it’s in the library.”

Once he’s gone, Dean faces Cas. “I don’t-”

“I know,” Cas says, and sighs. “But we aren’t here for him.”

Dean tries to remember, just a few days ago, when he trusted Nolan enough to watch his back on a hunt. He trusted all of them. But now Nolan was rubbing him exactly the wrong way. Or maybe it was the way Rena and Jake gave their own friend a wide berth.

Curious, Dean turned to Rena, who had set the cow leg aside and had her phone out. “Why’re you and Jake so skittish around Nolan?” he asks.

Rena looks up, eyes going wide before she clears her throat. “He’s hot headed,” she explains. “Used to have real anger issues. It’s not-” she throws a look back the way Nolan disappeared. “He’d never hurt us. But I don’t know how to diffuse him, you know?” She gives Dean a sad look. “Marie helped him get treatment, helped him get better. I haven’t seen him angry in years. But if we lost Marie…”

Dean thinks about what Sam said.  _ Every time Cas dies, he shatters. _ Was this what Dean had been like? A loose cannon, ready to self destruct at the slightest provocation? He can hardly remember now, the haze of grief clouding his memories. Had he scared his own people like this?

Jake comes back into the room with Nolan sullenly following and spreads out a map on the table. “I think this is it.”

“What’s the deal with the maps anyway?” Dean asks and walks over to peer at what it shows.

“She thinks they’re neat.” Nolan says, and his voice is much softer. “She likes- she likes the history of old maps, she likes drawing maps, she-” he cuts off and touches the edge of the map on the table. It doesn’t look as official as the previous one Dean saw. 

“That’s… surprisingly cool actually,” Dean admits. 

Jake points out the house, and Rena points out a couple of landmarks. Cas leans over then. “This is where you found the bovine leg?”

Nolan nods. “Yeah, this side of the house.”

Cas traces his finger back away from the house and into the trees and hills. “And what’s this?”

He’s pointing at a small clearing. It takes Dean a second to discern the way the terrain is shown. “It’s up in the hills, maybe a mile or two out?”

They all turn to Nolan, but he just shrugs and frowns. “Not sure.” He leans back and crosses his arms. “I don’t think I’ve been out that far myself. Marie goes on walks a lot…” 

“Judging from the way the terrain dips, it’s likely some kind of grove.” Cas straightens. “If nothing else, it’s a start. We can try to trace the vampires’ tracks back into the trees.”

Nolan is heading out the door before Jake finishes rolling up the map. Dean nods at Rena, who follows after. “Jake you stay here,” he orders. “Contact Sam and update him, see if you can round up any more hunters. If this is the remnants of the nest we just took out, there’s likely only a few left. But I don’t like surprises.”


End file.
